1 in 5 people on Bruinwalk on Their Way to Poop

SATYR - poopIf you’ve ever been forced to flyer on Bruin Walk, you can attest to the fact that people rarely accept the flyers or even acknowledge your existence with casual eye contact. While prior studies have shown that most people simply do not care about you, a new study reveals that it may not be because your voice is like the sound of a chainsaw and a garbage disposal making love or because it hurts people’s eyes to look at you. The new study states that the more likely cause of pedestrian apathy is due to the fact that 1 in 5 people on Bruin Walk are actually on their way to poop.

We spoke to David C. Schitz, a third-year business major, about the new study. He explained, “Yeah, it’s not that I don’t have a moment for gay rights,” he lowered his voice then continued,

“it’s because I’ve got a frickin’ turd lickin’ my shorts and, honestly, I might not make it.”

Schitz was later seen riding his hoverboard down Bruin Walk at full speed with noticeably clenched buttcheeks. He wove through the chaotic maze of flyering and countless invitations to serve his community, making it fully known that he had one objective in mind, and it was not saving a child’s life.

Tabitha Brown, a second-year anthropology major, took Schitz’ stance to the next level by opening up about a personal experience. She stated, “Okay, so like, one time, this guy asked if I was interested in helping clean up the environment and I was like, um, that’s totally my thing!” She looked around, cupping a hand over her mouth before loud-whispering, “I was low-key turtle-heading, but I stopped anyway because there was no way I could just say no to that, you know? It’s my passion, and that’s way more important than my physiological needs.” She paused for a moment to reflect. “I just wanted to help so badly. It was fine. I didn’t mind walking my bike home that day.”
Duke E. Brewer, an active member of at least 18 clubs and a frequent flyerer on Bruin Walk, also shared his thoughts on the new findings of the study. “It definitely changed my perspective on things. Now, I’m a lot more sympathetic towards the students who ignore me. I realized that even though I would die before failing to get every single one of these flyers handed out, I should be more understanding of others’ situations. I mean, this is UCLA. There’s like 40,000 of us. So that means, like, half of us are praire-dogging right now. Now I think twice before invading someone’s space to make sure they receive my flyer.”

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