10 UCLA Alternative Facts

SATYR-Altfacts

Gene Block is super involved. People see him as a father figure. I invited him to my little sister’s Bat Mitzvah.

USAC is effective and transparent. Everyone knows what they do. In fact we all say hello to our USAC representatives on campus because we respect what they do and know what they look like. Shout out to Gen Rep #2! We know what you do!

The hospital doesn’t always look like it’s on fire.

Whether they’re being organized by students or employees, protests are taken super seriously by the administration. In fact, just the other day, good old father figure, Gene Block, was seen sitting with the striking teamsters trying to understand their requests. At no point did he refer to them as “rat people”

Counselors are easy to see. It never feels like they are deliberately going out of their way to avoid you. In fact I text my counselor all the time. We’re pals.

UCLA takes sexual harassment really seriously. Professors, frat guys and creepy janitors are all held to the same high standards.  

The online alcohol education we have to do before freshman is a real life changer. Seeing that little cartoon struggle with peer pressure has stopped freshmen from taking so many jello shots that they accidentally turn their blood into poison. This never happens.

Westwood apartments are reasonably priced and always have working dishwashers, elevators, and even roofs! Not to mention the exciting lack of mold and cockroaches!

Greek Life never have racially insensitive party themes. Their favorite Western isn’t a “Kanye Western” it’s an “Acknowledging Systemic Racism and Our Own Privilege Western”.

No one ever fears they are throwing at least $100,000 down a glorified metaphorical toilet. We are all very comfortable with this. We love hearing stories about people who dropped out and made millions. They don’t make us question everything. At all. Even when they were in one of you GEs freshman year and briefly dated your suitemate. Fuck you Steven.

 

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