Keep an eye out for dads this weekend. Here’s a few you may encounter:
The Pre-Med Coach
Uniform: Polo shirt, Sunglasses, Crossed Arms
This guy is going to be quiet during most of the visit, except for maybe making a tasteless joke about North Campus majors. That is, until someone asks if anyone has any questions. Then…
“How can my child get into research? How does my child find a faculty advisor? Are there opportunities for him to work with a doctor? How crowded are the classes for prospective medical students? How competitive are the classes for prospective medical students….”
Uniform: Minivan, Stress
This man is in front of public affairs, and is apparently looking for something he calls “Dick-straw Hall”. He has been on three of the four Charles E. Young Drives. He tried his GPS, but it has been recalculating for the last half hour. He has finally listened to his wife’s advice and is now asking you for help. Better hope you have the entire campus map memorized, because he’s going to call you out on it if you don’t.
Uniform: USC Hat, USC Shirt, Weird Tan
There is always one of these guys. His child spent 18 hard years working to get accepted into one of the most prestigious public universities in the world. This is her chance to explore her new home. But no, that would mean this guy doesn’t get to be the center of attention. He’ll end 8-claps with a “Fight On” and take an obscene picture with the bear. Way to represent your alma mater.
The Guy with Too Many Kids
Uniform: Socks with Sandals, Undersized backpack
This poor, poor man. His son and wife are touring UCLA, and he’s stuck babysitting. And by that, I mean that he is following his six kids all around campus as they treat everything like a jungle gym. Sure, go ahead, let your five-year-old hang from the sculpture of our greatest Basketball Coach. Make sure to laugh at his lame jokes, because he is dead inside and needs the support. Also, watch out for him in the parking lot, because he clearly has trouble pulling out.
Uniform: Brett Hundley Jersey, Nostalgic Tears
UCLA has a number of very accomplished alumni with world-shaking achievements, but this man is not one of them. And now that he’s back, this is his chance to re-live the glory days of his youth. He’ll answer every question on the tour, and make inside jokes that may have been relevant in the 1980s. He’ll make the current brothers of his old frat uncomfortable by attempting to bond with them. He will mourne the loss of the bowling alley and give stink eye to the Trojan Dad. Bruin Born, Bruin Bred, Bruins til’ Monday when he goes back to his desk job.
Illustrated by Sarita Zed-Schreiber