Downey, CA – Everyone knows about the Ball, the Boot, the Bone, and the Bell – but McDonlad’s Inc. has a surprise for it’s chicken nugget fans. It will be introducing six new #relatable shapes of McNuggets some time next week.
In order to “connect more with [their] target demographics”, McDonald’s has redesigned and re-molded the new McNugget shapes based on the shapes and values of nugget and internet addled Millennials and Gen-Xers.
The secret sauce? McDonald’s new nuggets encapsulate that which is #relatable to the target demographic McD’s has so wisely decided to cater to. The shapes take advantage of the Gen-X and millennial experience; that of a person who is very likely to have been exposed to soy-saturated chicken skins, high fructose corn molasses, and cute, inoffensive corporate tie-ins on a near-daily basis, and who is likely showing no signs of stopping; according to a McDonald’s spokesperson, they are supposed to reflect the “modern, young, intellectual – someone who know what they want, and when they want it, and won’t take ‘no’ for an answer, even from themselves”.
The Daily Ruin’s best reporters were able to get a sneak peek at McDonald’s internal literature describing the new nuggets, as well as their concept sketches.
The Grimace – Shaped just like everyone’s favorite purple blob, this nugget reflects the state of mind common to those raised on a steady diet of soft, mushy pablum – it’s so tender you don’t need teeth, and -even better- there aren’t any sharp edges!
The Goomba – Do any other 90s kids remember the Nintendo 64 play-corners? Also, fun fact: the amount of force Mario exerts when squashing those little brown waddlers is equal to the combined amount of force that a daily load of McNuggets and neglectful yet indulgent parents exerts on one’s body over the years.
The Gallstone – Nothing compliments a daily, healthy, low-fat* 6-piece McNuggets like one of the many excellent, sugar-free** soft drinks – have you tried them with the Orange Hi-C and our 100% juice MinuteMaid lemonade on tap? Oh, sorry, our bad – you’ll have to wait until our next ‘totally not a corporate cash-in coordinated with another ‘cool’ show’ event to taste that again. Follow us on Instagram!
The Gynecomastia – Medical term for “I wore a dark shirt to the pool until stopped going forever because sports are for losers who get concussions and that would lower my IQ, and because my t-shirts all have witty pop-culture references and chlorine would totally ruin them. I’d also like to point out that I do have a GF who loves me despite my tendency to spend ungodly amounts of time eating expertly marketed meat-grinder mistakes that take advantage of a child’s penchant for throwing temper tantrums when tendies aren’t in tum-tum exceptionally tasty, seasoned and battered chicken-goop cookies and those deliciously tempting sauce options’.
The Gherkin – I TURNED MYSELF INTO A MCNUGGET, MORTY!!!!!!!! DIP ME, MORTY, DIP M*UUUuuUuuRRRRP*E OR I’LL MAKE YOUR PARENTS SEPARATE AND FORCE YOU TO LIVE A LIFE OF DESTRUCTION, DES*bLEUUGH*AIR, AND SPRINKLE IN JUST THAT OCCASIONAL AMOUNT OF *bluuuuaUUAUUAAURPppp* “LOVE” THAT YOUR PARENTS NEVER SHOWED YOU SO THAT YOU’LL IMPRINT ON ME AND NEVER LEAVE MY *GLAUUUAGHGHHRGHGHHGHEUUUUUueuuuuuuuuuurppppPPPPPppPP* SIDE!!!!!!
The God – The only truly perfect food, eaten in a virtuous fashion, brings Man as close as he can to the divine – in a Godless society, Nugget-ness is next to Godliness (if it existed, right? To be fair, you have to have a pretty high IQ to get that reference).
And yeah, we know, God doesn’t exist at any level of abstraction for you kiddos (so smart though, right?). But hey, our McNuggets are perfect, and if eating perfect food makes you more perfect -like God would be (if he existed at all, right? IQs off the charts!)- then if you eat McNuggets, you’ll become just like God! Who isn’t real! Haha! I bought and ate God! He can’t be real! He has to be dead! But, if you are what you eat (or do you eat what you are) does that mean I am dead? Are chickens real? What about nuggets? I wish my parents had loved me! But they aren’t real either!! Am I?? Which came first, the chicken or the nugget??! I NEED MY MCNUGGETS!!!