On Opposite Day, Shrub Vomits On Student

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WESTWOOD, CA- For the students of UCLA, yesterday was Opposite Day and various things were happening out of the ordinary on The Hill. Last night, the Daily Ruin witnessed Opposite Day first-hand. Just as the first-year student Ricky Young was about to throw up into a bush outside Sproul Hall, the bush got up and vomited all over him.

Young was knocked to the ground as the bush went through wave after wave of throw-up. It seemed like there was no end. The vomit was a lumpy mixture of mulch, half-eaten chicken tenders from De Neve Late Night, Young’s week-old vomit from last Thursday, and a handful of dead squirrels.

Young was so drenched in shrub-vomit he couldn’t speak, so the Daily Ruin turned to the Shrub for its take on the feud. “Man, every week this dude has the nerve to spew his guts all over me. He’s so drunk out of his mind, he can’t even aim! He gets it all over me and all of my friends. Every other night of the year we have to just stay planted and take it. But during Opposite Day, we can finally get our revenge.”

According to third-year Mikayla Winters, who also witnessed the event, first years are unaware of the Shrubs and what they do on Opposite Day. “This happens every year,” she explained, taking off the face mask of her hazmat suit. Winters glanced over at Young’s tank top as she adjusted her biohazard boots and added, “First-years just don’t know yet how to prepare for this day.”

The Shrub confirmed that they had been planning the details of this night for weeks. The Shrub also added, “The Sproul Hall Shrubs and me? Oh yeah, you know we’re not alone. All of us here on The Hill want to make sure Ricky feels the full wrath of Opposite Day. Just wait and see what the toilets have planned for him.”

Illustrated by Megan Hullander

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