The 7 Greatest Infidelities in History

You may be feeling bummed this Valentine’s Day, because you’re as single as a Pringle isn’t, but it’s better to be single than be in a horribly dysfunctional, adulterous relationship. Right? Think of your cheating lover’s warm body pressed up against yours in the quiet black of night, as their gentle breath lulls you to faraway dreamlands and/or hell where they burn in everlasting fire. No? It’s still better than being alone? Well, we tried. Here are the seven greatest infidelities in history. (Historical accuracy is neither guaranteed nor preferred.)

7. Helen of Troy and Paris of Troy fuck in Troy

King Menelaus comes off as such a complete asshole in Troy for starting a war over Paris of Troy “placing his crown upon Helen’s sweet head”, but if you’ve read any ancient Greek literature, and I haven’t, then you know that it didn’t take much for wars to break out in those times. Helen was the most beautiful woman in the world, and it seems appropriate that she’d start a war that would inspire one of the worst movies in the world. And we can all be a little bit happy on this horrible day that there is really no happy ending, as everyone seems to die.

6. Sir Lancelot (Sir Mordred for you middle-aged nerds) and Queen Guinevere have sex while King Arthur is mortally wounded

An anatomically accurate artist’s rendition of Lancelot and Guinevere’s first kiss.

This tale is a murky one. There are about 400 different versions, one where Sir Lancelot and King Arthur actually wrestle naked for Guinevere’s heart. I wrote that one (fan fiction), but in another version, King Arthur is mortally wounded and sent to Glastonbury, and Guinevere is put into a nunnery somewhere. But the main story is that the sexy Sir Lancelot is found in bed with super-slut Queen Guinevere, Lancelot escapes Arthur’s men, then comes back to rescue her, and they spend an eternity fucking in Troy.

5. Boring white person Ryan Phillippe cheats on boring white person Reese “don’t you know who the fuck I am” Witherspoon with…wait for it…dull Caucasian human

Ah, to be young, white, heterosexual, rich, and beautiful and in love.

This seedy affair was one of the biggest Hollywood scandals of 2006. Well, that’s not actually true…This infidelity is just on this list to show how stupid white people really are.

4. Marc Antony and Cleopatra go all the way

“Pussy blinders.”

Marc Antony was married to a woman named Octavia just a month before he met Cleopatra in 41 BC. That’s just bad luck for Octavia. Cleopatra was sort of like the Ryan Phillippe of her time—really untalented, but sexy. Marc Antony, a general for the Roman army, lost his focus and was defeated by Octavia’s army—the guy had pussy-blinders on and ended up committing suicide with Cleo. This guy was in charge of an army and an EMPIRE, and he let it all just kind of dissipate for some Egyptian “strange,” which is where that saying originates.

3. Hernán Cortés starts the Mestizo race by having interracial sex with La Malinche (Dona Marina)

Cortés conquered Tenochtitlan in the year 1520-something. Along the way, he met a young lady who was great with languages named La Malinche (Dona Marina), who fell in love with the bearded, hipster Cortés. Cortés and Dona Marina teamed up to take down the Aztec people of Tenochtitlan (who had enslaved her when she was a young girl) in what historians call “The Beginning of Modern History.” They had a few kids, then Cortés’ wife came to visit…

2.  Josephine cheats on “Stump-Dick” Napoleon with half of France

A man known for being 1) unbelievably stumpy and short, and 2) a complete asshole dictator, was, for some reason, not good enough for the love of his life, Josephine. While Napoleon was off in Egypt fighting commies, Josephine, the older order of aristocracy in France, was off in her bedroom fighting an early strain of the Herps.  The thing is, Napoleon truly loved Josephine, and when he found out about the many, many infidelities, he forgave her. They lived happily ever after until they got divorced, and on her deathbed she famously muttered, “Stump-Dick…” before living for a few more days and saying, “Napoleon.”

1. F. Scott Fitzgerald has live-in girlfriend while Zelda is living-in a sanatorium

Let the piercing gaze of chronically dysfunctional lovers bore into your soul.

This may not qualify as a NUMBER ONE INFIDELITY for most of you broken-hearted losers, but let me explain…This is a great and true story. You ready?

At the ripe age of 42, F. Scott was living with Sheilah Graham. His wife, Zelda, was in a mental institution in Alabama. Scott was supposed to send some release papers so she could take a pre-Castro trip to Cuba to relax and unwind—she was crazy, remember. But ol’ F. Scotty “forgot”, and she couldn’t go. Then, he gets into a big fight with Sheilah and takes the next flight to Alabama to check Zelda out of the mental institution and GO WITH ZELDA TO CUBA! So, not only is he double dippin’, he’s cheating on his girlfriend with his crazy-ass wife in Cuba!! This was the last time that Scott ever saw Zelda. ♦

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