We can all agree that UCLA ranks highly among the best universities in the world. We have some of the most prolific researchers in the nation, working day and night, progressing the knowledge of humanity. Many of these researchers have even managed to dedicate a small percentage of their time to our official charity: teaching the undergraduate population. We have just enough African-Americans to keep us number one in NCAA titles and keep our brochures looking colorful, and we have, in my humble opinion, one of the best god-damned Chancellors I’ve ever had the pleasure of working with.
But, as is the case with any university, UCLA also has its share of problems, one of which has grown so much in recent years that this office must address it: license plate frames.
I’m sure it comes as no shock to most of you, but UCLA is facing an extreme image problem, and I’m sure you all will immediately relate to what I’m saying. I can’t drive even ten minutes from my mansion without seeing some beat up Corolla or some god-damned hand-me-down Pontiac sporting a UCLA frame. It’s disgraceful.
This problem is something we must all combat together, and I’ll have you know I do my part—both of my Ferraris and each of my Teslas have a UCLA license plate lovingly adorned on both sides.
And now it’s time for you to help. It is my decision, and therefore the official opinion of this university, that UCLA license plate frames shall now and forever be allowed only on cars worth $30,000 and higher.
This number may seem extreme, seeing as it wouldn’t prevent people with certain Priuses (Prii?) to have the licenses. Unfortunately, we can’t exclude all minorities.
For those of you concerned that you won’t make this cut, don’t worry. You go to UCLA, a school with over 30,000 undergraduates; most of you won’t be successful, and it’s not your fault. Hell, we offer majors like Native American Studies. What did you think? That getting a “degree” would help you get a job? Of course it won’t. Should UCLA’s reputation be tarnished for this? I don’t think so. And neither should you.
Gene D. Block