EDITOR’S NOTE: The IT department at Satyr headquarters recently hacked into the email of Gene Block, UCLA’s Chancellor. The email, reprinted verbatim below, is a draft that has been sitting in his inbox since April 14, 2009. We decided that it would be best if UCLA students had a chance to read this email before Block eventually deleted it.
Recently, we’ve caught several Bruins complaining about this glorious university, and we would like to remind all students, new and old, smart and genius, dumb and dumber, of all colors and flavors, that we have a zero-tolerance policy toward Criticism.
If you have seen somebody exhibiting this behavior, report it to a USAC representative as soon as possible. If you are personally experiencing symptoms of Discontent, Exasperation, Dissidence, or Anger, you are required by the fine print on all those forms you signed when you enrolled to immediately check into Ashe. You will be quarantined until the next home game, during which you’ll be injected with a healthy dose of School Spirit and Mob Mentality. If feelings of Dissatisfaction persist, do not panic. We know a guy who knows a guy who can take care of it. It will all be over soon.
That being said, we’re confident our university’s Excellence will prevent 99% of you from ever thinking and feeling such dreadful things. However, for the 1% of you at risk for succumbing to Unhealthy, Destructive behavior, we are generously providing a few friendly reminders of why this school is the best.
- Size: With 27,000 undergraduates, the little to no connection you have with your professors and classmates will prepare you for the increasingly brutal workforce where your boss won’t know who you are and your colleagues will be nothing more than competition for the pay raise and/or promotion you’ve waited years for.
- Diversity: The admissions office is dedicated to building a well-rounded, diverse student body. Every class is carefully selected to represent a variety of people including, but not limited to: man-tank-wearing bros, K-pop enthusiasts, soon-to-be ex-pre-meds, and people who don’t have a fucking clue who they are or what they want to do with their lives.
- Entertainment: This year’s Bruin Bash brought you the likes of Tyga. Need we say more?
- Environmental Awareness: The newly opened Bruin Plate is a shining example of our commitment to being environmentally friendly. This dining hall only uses animals and vegetables that have, being of sound mind, consented to being consumed.
- Weather: The almost non-stop sunshine gives you that sun-kissed glow every self-esteem crushing fashion magazine tells you will make you beautiful and successful. (And it only increases your risk of skin cancer by 92%!)
Don’t forget that you’re on a trajectory toward a decent, occasionally interesting, possibly enjoyable life right now. Famous alumni didn’t complain, and look where they ended up—literally everywhere you dream of being. So smile, and be a good little optimist. If you aren’t, we’ll know.
Gene D. Block