Illustrated by Sarita Zed-Schreiber
The time had come again—I had run out of boneless, skinless, organic chicken breast, but after my most recent trip to Whole Foods I knew I would never go back there again. My friends had mentioned another supermarket named Ralphs and I decided I would give it a reluctant try. I entered my teal Toyota Prius, entered “Ralphs” into my GPS, and drove off—still excited that maybe this “Ralphs” would have available electric vehicle parking. Upon arrival, however, I was astonished—no electric vehicle parking spaces to be found! For a long moment, I stopped out of disbelief and contemplated leaving this wretched place. “Should I support such an institution?” I asked myself as I pulled into a regular parking spot.
Disheartened, I entered the supermarket and was greeted by a sea of “Chips Ahoy.” The packaging claimed these were cookies, but upon inspecting the ingredients, I knew what these really were—genetically modified, processed, pucks of obesity. I marched on and asked one of the managers where I could find the turmeric root, hoping to get what I needed and leave the place as soon as possible. The manager stood in front of me and told me the scariest thing I had heard in my lifetime—this “supermarket” did not carry turmeric root. I was shocked that the government even allowed these imposters to label themselves a supermarket.
However, I continued on, determined to get boneless, skinless, organic chicken breast. I finally found it in the back refrigeration aisle and quickly made my way to the checkout area, grabbing organic kale, organic brown rice, and organic baby spinach on the way. I made my way to the self-checkout line and gazed at all of the other fools standing in line. I scanned my first item, but the computer insisted upon “notifying a shopping assistant.” After minutes of waiting, I realized what this was—a shopping assistant was never coming! I finally knew what I had to do in order to get out of this place—become my own shopping assistant. I went to the help desk, filled out an employment application, and became a proud Ralphs employee. I would finally be able to leave!