Amish Club Disbands due to Communication Difficulties

LOS ANGELES— News filtered in early Thursday morning that the well-renowned UCLA Amish Club issued a formal dissolution notice to USAC, citing “insurmountable difficulties in establishing open communication” that made it “impossible to conduct” club operations.

A spokesman for the club blamed the downfall of the prestigious organization on the fact that technology has completely taken over daily interchange of information in the modern world.

Among the sundry reasons cited for abolishment, the foremost factors were a lack of means for advertisement and marketing. The club’s board members were forced to meet every single day in order to maintain the level of activity that most clubs manage on social media. Instead of just making a Doodle, much of this time was used to hand-write and hand-deliver letters to members requesting them to flyer on Bruinwalk.

Erstwhile, President Jebediah Goodbetter expressed dismay at the prevalence of what he termed “technological claptrap” in the day-to-day activities of student groups today.

“Most of you may not know this, but most student groups handle their communications solely through the popular social networking internet website Facebook, which is forbidden in the Amish way of life,” Goodbetter said.

Further comment could not be recorded once Goodbetter discovered that the microphone used to record his interview, though not connected to wires, still ran on some form of electricity.

Besides the technological setbacks, members agreed that the dwindling number of student grants received each year from USAC proved to be another major reason for the failure of the society.

“Unfortunately for the Pennsylvanian Dutch community, all the financial forms that USAC required for funding a student organization are on the World Wide Web,” said Moses Merryweather, the club’s treasurer.

The lack of reach was apparent when the club’s historically popular Rumspringa Social was marred by sparse attendance, despite the allure of hand-drawn fliers and the tagline “Drink rum, get sprung.”

The official demise of the club came after UCPD banned the use of ox-carts on Bruinwalk, citing the fact that it is officially labeled a “dismount zone.” After disbanding in protest, the Amish Club launched an appeal which will be discussed on Tuesday in a hearing led by reformed member of the Amish community, Chancellor Gene Block.♦

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