CUPERTINO – The new iPhone 6 is now being sold around the world and reports of broken screens have already started coming in. iPhone screen damage has always been a major issue for Apple, ever since they released the first iPhone in 2007. Despite this, Apple has never officially addressed the concerns until now, in a press conference held this morning.
“Enough is enough,” declared Tim Cook, CEO of Apple. “Cracked screens have plagued our loyal customers for far too long. Each and every person who buys an iPhone does so with their hard earned money and they deserve to have a product that won’t be broken so easily. It is all too clear what the cause of this problem is, and I will not let my pride stop me from coming forward and saying it: the ground is just too damn hard. Everywhere you look, it’s asphalt roads, or concrete sidewalks. It’s like the world was designed to be one huge trap for iPhones. I can hardly go outside anymore. The thought of how many iPhone souls the cold hard ground has taken is too much for me. This is why we at Apple have begun taking the necessary steps to sue each and every world government that has had a part in creating such a dangerous environment for the iPhone.”
After the press conference, a few Satyr reporters were able to hold an exclusive interview with Apple’s CEO. He asked us to mention that he was wearing a black turtle neck.
We began the interview by asking if he was aware of the fact that the first signs of paved roads have been dated back to 4000 BC.
“You don’t take me seriously do you? I’m the CEO of Apple now!”
We reassured Cook that we were very aware of his position and did in fact take him seriously. We even complimented his turtleneck.
“Why can’t I be a pop icon? All I am to everyone is a stuffy CEO. I bet when I die no one’s gonna make a movie about me. Or if they do no one near as good-looking as Ashton Kutcher will play the part. They’ll probably get, like, Steve Buscemi or something.”
At this point we held off trying to ask the CEO any more questions and explained to him that Steve Buscemi was pretty cool as well. Cook then took a break for a few minutes and drank two bottles of Fiji water. When we finally resumed, we asked the CEO why Apple came to blame the world’s governments for the hardness of the ground.
“Have you ever dropped your iPhone on grass? Or sand? It’s fine. But the moment that precious device lands on asphalt or concrete or even the imported Brazilian mahogany that lines the floor of my several homes, it’s almost sure to crack. That’s why.”
This forthcoming lawsuit will mark the largest the company has undertaken since Apple sued God for trademark infringement over His use of the word “apple” in the book of Genesis. ♦
UPDATE: Pending the outcome of the lawsuit, Apple has announced it will be focusing its iPhone 6 sales in poorer countries that do not yet have paved roads. Locals are outraged at the sharp increase in the price of produce.