Asian and Jewish Couple Finds that Asians and Jewish People are Successful, According to Standards Set by That Asian and Jewish Couple

Amy Chua’s first novel, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, was widely criticized by readers for creating a stereotyped and narrow view of Asian-American culture. Taking that criticism into regard, her new novel instead creates a stereotyped and narrow view of every culture.

In The Triple Package, Chua claims that eight specific cultures are the most likely to succeed in America:

  • Chinese
  • Indian
  • Jewish
  • Iranian
  • Lebanese-Americans
  • Nigerians
  • Cuban Exiles
  • Mormons

SUCK IT, SEVENTH-DAY ADVENTISTS.

Ahem.

According to Chua and co-author Jed Rubenfeld, these groups are the ones with the high percentages of doctors, lawyers, and writers. Oh wait, not the last one. It’s not like culture is important for a culture’s success.

So what do these groups have that others do not? The Triple Package. No, they aren’t all testicular mutants. The people from these cultures apparently have a) superiority complexes, b) insecurity, and c) impulse control. That’s Chua’s recipe for the ultimate supervillian succesful American.

So what do these groups have that others do not? The Triple Package. No, they aren’t all testicular mutants.
Impulse control, we can understand. For example, it’s important to have the patience to wait until you have tenure as Yale law professors before writing a book that reads like a Glen Beck rant. But the other two are literally the names of psychological disorders in the DSM-V.

One section from the book claimed that there was “no hope” for the African-American community. No word yet from Rosalind Brewer, CEO of Walmart, or Dr. Ben Carson, Director of Pediatric Neurosurgery at John Hopkins.When asked why, Chua writes that the Civil Rights Movement reduced any superiority narrative for African-Americans. Because it was so easy for African-Americans to get into a 1960s Medical school that DIDN’T ALLOW THEM INTO THE SCHOOL.

On the other hand, Chua and Rubenfeld do call the Amish losers. Good to see someone finally stick it to those friendly, peaceful bread-makers.

Look, Satyr can move past the thinly-veiled racism and the supremely ignorant generalizations, but as comedians, we live for the unique. The Triple Package, on the other hand, is like another goddamn bit about airline food. It recycles eugenicist arguments to explain Chua and Rubenfeld’s exceedingly narrow world view. If you want to talk about why modern-day America is falling, try using some modern-day arguments.

Also, look at this shitty book cover:

Apparently, the chosen eight cultures don’t include any graphic designers. OH yeah LET’S have OUR subhead LOOK like THIS.

1Oh, and Barack Obama, I guess.

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