Ask Jessa!!

ask jessa

Illustration by Marcie LaCerte

Hi Jessa. I luv your blog and I was wondering if you coudl help me with my homework. I’m very scared i won’t do it right and my mom keeps yelling at me.

Signed,
Bethany

Hey Bethany! I know how you feel, girlie. And you know I know how you feel. That’s why you wrote to the advice portion of my blog!!! Which, by the dub, still retains the award for sexiest blog layout and cattiest online gossip, self-designated for three of the past four years! Anywayz, you asked me what to do about all the homework you’ve been receiving in class. Tell me…‘BOUT it! If you’d like to follow my advice, which I’m sure you do, me being voted gossipiest gossiper of my high school graduating class, here’s what I recommend you do to get over the stress:

  1. Have a glass of wine and read your favorite naughty book on a couch in front of a fire. Variation: Lie naked under a bear fur blanket on the floor, still in front of the fire-place, reading a Cosmo and drinking a bourbon.
  2. Give yourself dreadlocks. Mine took about three months to completely take shape. I know, fast, right?! You’ll look so cool and hip in front of your friends, and they’ll like the new boldness with which you’re approaching life. Say no to “living a little” and YES to “living A LOT!”
  3. Make Mom some brownies. Show her how much you care, and I promise you that you’ll feel better about yourself.
  4. Eat the brownies and tell Mom you burnt them and had to throw them away.
  5. Give yourself bangs!
  6. Finally, my personal fave. Take your favorite, sexiest tamp (tampon), and soak it in some vodka. After a couple of seconds, stick it up where it belongs and, believe you me, the alcohol will reach your bloodstream so fast you’ll reach the highest high you’ve ever had in the quickest amount of time. I’m vodka vagging right now! (Warning: Remove after 2-3 minutes, or you’ll die.

Love always,

Jessa!!!

Dear Jessa,

For a 9-yr-ol? My mom says don’t do this stuff.

Signed,
Bethany

Hey Bethany! Sorrydidn’t realize you were only nine. In which case, I dis-recommend all that crazy talk about vodka vagging and lying naked on the floor. Please tell your mom I apologize for the visions I’ve put into your head, and ask her not to contact my mom about it either…She’s been threatening to deactivate my blog for a while now, and I feel this would really just take her over the edge. Know what I mean? Uhh…So in response to your first question: Take a lot of warm baths. Baths, I find, are truly the best way to destress when there’s lots of homework, which I assume for you is coloring books and one-paragraph essays about apples.

Thank you for your post. Love always,

Jessa ♦

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