Illustration by Marcie LaCerte
Hi Jessa. I luv your blog and I was wondering if you coudl help me with my homework. I’m very scared i won’t do it right and my mom keeps yelling at me.
- Have a glass of wine and read your favorite naughty book on a couch in front of a fire. Variation: Lie naked under a bear fur blanket on the floor, still in front of the fire-place, reading a Cosmo and drinking a bourbon.
- Give yourself dreadlocks. Mine took about three months to completely take shape. I know, fast, right?! You’ll look so cool and hip in front of your friends, and they’ll like the new boldness with which you’re approaching life. Say no to “living a little” and YES to “living A LOT!”
- Make Mom some brownies. Show her how much you care, and I promise you that you’ll feel better about yourself.
- Eat the brownies and tell Mom you burnt them and had to throw them away.
- Give yourself bangs!
- Finally, my personal fave. Take your favorite, sexiest tamp (tampon), and soak it in some vodka. After a couple of seconds, stick it up where it belongs and, believe you me, the alcohol will reach your bloodstream so fast you’ll reach the highest high you’ve ever had in the quickest amount of time. I’m vodka vagging right now! (Warning: Remove after 2-3 minutes, or you’ll die.
For a 9-yr-ol? My mom says don’t do this stuff.
Thank you for your post. Love always,