Author Archives: Aliya Kamalova

About Aliya Kamalova

Follow her on Twitter @aliyakam

Seniors Already Feel Nostalgic for Campus Bureaucracy

WESTWOOD— On Tuesday, seniors felt an overwhelming sense of nostalgia after a majority of students were unable to secure tickets to their own commencement ceremony via the MyUCLA website. UCLA’s Technology Department teamed up with the university’s Red-Tape Department in…


Sneezing Man Waits for Blessing That Never Comes

THOUSAND OAKS— Local man, John Nathan, sneezed last Wednesday at BeanScene Coffee Shop at the corner of Lindero and Kanan eliciting no response from fellow espresso aficionados. Nathan, who ordered a room temperature Iced Chai, took a pause from drinking…


Satyr Leaked Emails

To Our Readers: In light of recent email leaks (for example), we are ashamed to admit that Satyr’s emails were, too, exposed to the public. We know the media will inevitably release our email records, so in an attempt to…


Man Takes Sip From Empty Cup, Exaggerates Gulp to Compensate

LOS ANGELES– Last Friday, infrequent partygoer and third-year comparative literature student Patrick Goldberger attended a party at the Sigma Phi Epsilon fraternity house, where he attempted to feign drinking from the same empty cup all night. Goldberger, who attended the…


Big Man Looks Adorable Jumping Over Little Puddle

LOS ANGELES— In the midst of Southern California’s biggest rainstorm of the season, local big man Ryan Strand managed to transcend his large appearance by daintily jumping over a moderately sized puddle. Strand, who encountered the puddle at a curb in…

Only one photo was able to be salvaged from the attack. It's this one.

Shark Attack Caught on Tape, Tape Eaten by Shark

SANTA MONICA– On Wednesday, beach dwellers at the Santa Monica Pier were fortunate enough to capture a violent shark attack on tape. Bystanders were observing the scene from the shore before running up to the pier in order to get…


Ironic Selfies Become Unironic As NSA Invades Snapchat

NEW YORK CITY—Documents containing confidential NSA activity have been released, exposing recent NSA surveillance on photos transmitted via the popular social media app, Snapchat. “This is getting absolutely ridiculous,” said longtime Snapchat user Jay White. “It’s not only embarrassing to…