Author Archives: Anaika Miller

About Anaika Miller

Follow her on Twitter @anaikamiller

Texas Cop Not Racist, Just Scared of Black People

MCKINNEY, TX— After the release of a video depicting a police officer in McKinney, Texas pulling his gun on two unarmed boys and pinning an unarmed girl in a bikini to the ground, Police Chief Greg Conley explained that the…

Dad Bod Fad Gives Dead Bod Fans Confidence to Speak Out

LOS ANGELES— Members of Zombies United say that the recent “dad bod” trend inspired them to publicly challenge the stigmas associated with “dead bod.” “We…just want…people…to…realize that…even though…we are…dead…we…still have…a lot…to…give,” said Gavin Mitchell, the 26-year-old secretary of the Southern California…

Islamic State Masters Yet Another Medieval-Era Execution Style

SOMEWHERE IN SYRIA— Islamic State’s most recent video proved to the world yesterday that the group does in fact know more than one old-fashioned way of killing people. “Obviously, decapitation isn’t the only method we know of brutally murdering someone,” IS…

Dad Still Hoping For Son’s Invite to Concert

LOS ANGELES— Self-described “cool dad” Stephen Burke is desperately clinging to the hope that his son Cole is still planning on inviting him along to a Neutral Milk Hotel concert. For the past couple weeks, Stephen has found himself unable…

UCLA Applicants More Perfecter Than Ever, UCLA Says

LOS ANGELES— Next year’s freshman class will be the most intelligent, most attractive, and most talented in UCLA’s history, the Office of Undergraduate Admissions announced recently. Maria Lopetsky, Director of Undergraduate Admissions, acknowledged that her staff always praises applicants, but maintained…

Not Even Professor Staying for Full 3-Hour Class

LOS ANGELES— With the holiday season in sight, class attendance rates are plummeting alongside student motivation. In the case of “Analytical Animal Geography,” however, it’s not just students who are playing hooky. Professor Mia Evans readily admits to habitually ducking out…

Roommate Not Awful Enough To Justify Confrontation

LOS ANGELES—Mere weeks from winter break, two roommates confessed they are harboring extreme frustration that their other roommate never acted badly enough to justify a serious talking-to this quarter. Third-year computer science student Amanda Farrell and third-year anthropology student Julia…

A Letter from the UC Regents

Dear California Undergraduate Student, You’ve probably already heard about our proposal to raise tuition. Our hope was that you’d receive this information directly from us instead of your politically active peers, but those pesky social justice kids always seem to…

Bruin Plate Makes Best Romantic Film Soundtrack Of The Year

LOS ANGELES— Bruin Plate unwittingly created the best romantic film soundtrack of the year during a 42-minute period of its Sunday brunch playlist. Though the dining hall is known for playing notably better music than any other eatery on campus,…

Ebola Immune to 24-Hour News Cycle

Los Angeles— A team of researchers announced Monday morning that results from a month-long study prove Ebola is immune to the 24-hour news cycle. “This virus just got a whole lot scarier, said Dr. Patsy Jacobson, one of the specialists that…

Back-to-School Fashion Alert: Bulletproof Vests

Still looking for the perfect fall wardrobe staple? Don’t settle for another thrift store sweater when you could be turning heads with this season’s hottest new trend: bulletproof vests. After decades of being exclusively used as body armor, it’s about…

Urban Outfitters Introduces Sandy Hook Collection

PHILADELPHIA— While apologizing for selling a faux blood-splattered Kent State sweatshirt, Urban Outfitters announced plans today to sell Sandy Hook memorabilia. “We deeply regret that the sweatshirt was perceived negatively by some people, but it doesn’t change how excited we…

Putin Unlikely to Pull Out, Ex Says

MOSCOW— “Just because he says he’ll do it, doesn’t mean he’ll actually do it,” Lyudmila Putina said in a recent interview. “Leaders — proud men— they never like pulling out.” Putina, who was married to Putin for thirty years, gave some insight into…

An Open Letter to “I Agree with Trevor”‘s Marketing Team

hoa—you guys are good. Like, seriously. Really good. I don’t know if I’m legally allowed to speak for everyone at Satyr, but I’m going to anyway: As another small, honest, homegrown, grassroots, barnyard organization, we are just completely in awe…

UCLA Completely Forgets Hillary Clinton Is Super Famous

LOS ANGELES—In an unprecedented display of gross incompetence, UCLA’s Central Ticket Office admitted earlier today that it forgot Hillary Clinton is a famous politician and inspirational role model for 95% of the world’s population.   This explains why CTO employees…

Expired Elevator Permits Raise Concern Of Supernatural Threat

LOS ANGELES—A recent article revealing that UCLA elevator permits have largely expired is renewing discussion over the ominous screeches, shaking, and organ music frequently experienced within these elevators. A UCLA Housing representative speaking on conditions of anonymity assured the Daily…

A Letter from Gene Block

EDITOR’S NOTE: The IT department at Satyr headquarters recently hacked into the email of Gene Block, UCLA’s Chancellor. The email, reprinted verbatim below, is a draft that has been sitting in his inbox since April 14, 2009. We decided that it…