Author Archives: Ashlyn Thomas

About Ashlyn Thomas

Follow her on Twitter @beshwa
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5 Ways to Get on Ellen Even if You’re Boring

These days, everyone’s looking for their 15 minutes of fame, and everyone knows there’s only one show that will rocket you to the top: The Ellen DeGeneres Show. With the Internet and help from our benevolent Ellen, that’s now easier…

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Why Formation is for Me (A White Girl From Connecticut)

Why Formation is for Me (A White Girl From Connecticut) By: Paige Blanca When Beyoncé dropped “Run the World (Girls),” I felt like it was the start of a beautiful relationship. Beyoncé was my spirit animal and my feminist queen…

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Black History Month Declared FB Friend Cleanse Month

WASHINGTON D.C. — President Obama signed a bill this past Monday designating February as “National Facebook Friend Cleanse Month.” “Initially, a lot of people were concerned about this designation possibly taking away from Black History Month,” stated a source close…

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Hillary Clinton to Change Name to Martin Luther King, Jr. Jr.

WASHINGTON, D.C.– In an effort to maintain her popularity with Black voters, Clinton has decided to move forward with legally changing her name to Martin Luther King, Jr. Jr. “She’s been worried about Senator Sanders’ outreach to the Black community,”…

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Sig Ep Not Sure What The Big Deal Is

WESTWOOD- After throwing the controversially themed “Kanye Western” party on Tuesday night, members of UCLA’s Sigma Phi Epsilon chapter have publicly apologized stating that they are “sorry that everyone took it as such a big fuckin’ deal.” “We wanted our…

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UCLA to Charge for Inverted Fountain Access

WESTWOOD— Graduation season is nearly upon us, which means the coming of one of UCLA’s most time-honored traditions: touching the water in the inverted fountain. But unlike previous years,  graduates will now have to pay an extra price to participate….

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Academy to Hold Separate-But-Equal Oscar Ceremony

LOS ANGELES— Following public outcry over the lack of diversity among this year’s Academy Award nominees, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has announced plans to hold a separate-but-equal Oscars ceremony. “It’s not our fault that all of the…

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James Franco Revealed to be Sony Hacks Mastermind

In a stunning turn of events, distinguished UCLA professor James  Franco has claimed credit for the recent Sony hacks. Satyr Magazine has the exclusive interview: EDITOR’S NOTE: Satyr will not be releasing the interview in full due to threats from…

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UCLA Students Seek Divestment from UC Regents

WESTWOOD— Following the latest vote of a tuition increase of five percent per year for the next five years, UCLA students have begun seeking divestment from the UC regents. “As students, we feel as though it is no longer ethical…

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Students to Hold Rally Against ‘Height Privilege’

LOS ANGELES— The members of Higher Up!, a student advocacy group promoting the struggles of tall students, have had it up to here. “Everyone says I should feel fortunate for the privilege I have, but honestly the people on this…

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UCLA Students Happy to Drown in Something Other Than Debt

WESTWOOD—Yesterday, a water main break on Sunset Boulevard had thousands of students rejoicing, offering a temporary distraction from the state of their finances and futures. “It’s kind of great, actually,” said third year student Maria Sanchez. “I’m working two jobs…

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Interview with Snoop Dogg

Satyr Magazine was fortunate enough to score an exclusive interview with the one and only Snoop Dogg last week. We sat down with rapper, song-writer, and weed aficionado to discuss his upcoming performance at JazzReggae this year! SM: I think I…

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Coldplay-er?: Inside Chris Martin’s Secret Love Affair

Looks like things are all “Yellow” (and True Blue) for Chris Martin and our beloved Chancellor! The two were recently spotted incognito splitting a pizookie at BJ’s and only T(s)MZ (The Satyr Magazine) has the inside scoop! “I heard Chris…

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Tensions Rise In The People’s Republic Of North Campus

LOS ANGELES—After various rumors, sources now confirm that the Most Glorious People’s Republic of North Campus has launched multiple missile tests over the past few days. It is no secret that the inhabitants of the northernmost section of campus have…

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Campus Climate Survey Reveals Favorable Weather at UCLA

LOS ANGELES—Last week, the Daily Ruin went out and asked UCLA students to share their opinions on the current campus climate, asking about their experiences regarding race, religion, and sexual orientation. “We’re proud to say that our campus enjoys beautiful weather…