Author Archives: Utkarsh Pandey

AmishRakingHay

Amish Club Disbands due to Communication Difficulties

LOS ANGELES— News filtered in early Thursday morning that the well-renowned UCLA Amish Club issued a formal dissolution notice to USAC, citing “insurmountable difficulties in establishing open communication” that made it “impossible to conduct” club operations. A spokesman for the club blamed the downfall of the prestigious organization…

utkarsh

An Ode to Californian Weather

Illustration by Marcie LaCerte Legends speak of climes unbleak, That one great state does boast, You can’t be seen without sunscreen, Or risk being burnt to toast. They said the sun goes down for fun, And not to truly set,…

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Football Player Signs Autograph, Satisfies Writing II Requirement

LOS ANGELES—Early Tuesday morning, Jermaine Bucknell emerged triumphant from Murphy Hall to raucous chants of “No more writing” and “General education out” instigated by his teammates. Bucknell, a running back for the UCLA Bruins, has become the first ever student…

BEEEEARDIT (1) thumb

The Saga of No-Shave November

Illustration by Aliya Kamalova October 31st Shaved. It was emotional. The video got three likes on Facebook. November 1st Sent out a selfie to all my Snapchat friends, proclaiming my intentions to uphold the ideals of No-Shave November. No replies…

sandwich

The Fall of a Sandwich

Indignity occurred today, I will be mighty brief, The knife-wielding gentleman, Of problems, was the chief. Approach did he with steely eyes, So clearly fridge-ward bound, And plucking me off the second shelf, He did not loaf around. He threw…

bruin bear

Ode to the Bruin Bear

Your warriors are coming home, Decked out in blue and gold. Thousands shout your hallowed name, Your virtues are extolled. All the teams that dare face us, Are left in derelict ruins. The entire country quakes before, The proud and…

indian

10 Things Every Indian Student Should Know Before Coming to UCLA

The American accent doesn’t exist here. YOU’RE the one with an accent. You won’t find “Hella” in any dictionary ever published. Trust me, I’ve tried. Thrice. Be prepared for questions like the ever-popular “Do you ride elephants to school?” In…

bruin plaza

Students Refuse To Shut Up About Shutdown

LOS ANGELES—Thousands of UCLA students poured into Bruin Plaza on Saturday morning to mistakenly celebrate the imminent reopening of the Government. Chants of “Obamacare rocks” and “fuck those Cal bastards” mingled among the confused sighs of students who joined the…