Author Archives: Gabriella Salerno

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Ejector Seat Installed in Oval Office

Washington D.C.— Donald Trump was inaugurated as President of the United States two short weeks ago. Unbeknownst to him and his team, during his swearing in ceremony a group of highly trained individuals went into the office to Trump-proof. Among…

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Trump’s Cabinet as Old Thanksgiving Leftovers

Here’s what’s left of our 6 favorite dishes that have been approved by the biggest turkey of them all, Donald. While they may not be the dishes you’re used to or even wanted, hopefully we’ll all get used to them….

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Why Posting an Ad for Sitcom Worthy Friends Doesn’t Work

Recently, I responded to a Craigslist want ad titled, “seeking Jess from New Girl,” which led me to meeting a fascinating individual, Ben Davis. Ben is planning to graduate UCLA after next quarter (depending on how his Introspective Psychology final…

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UCLA Caught Inventing Sports to Increase NCAA Titles

WESTWOOD– UCLA was suspended from the National College Athletic Association this week after it was revealed in an expose by the Daily Bruin that some of their championship titles were actually from sports and activities that UCLA had invented. UCLA…

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Trail Mix Without Raisins Sells Out Immediately

WHOLE FOODS MARKETS EVERYWHERE — Whole Foods announced this week that they would not be getting their new best-selling product, ‘Raisin-Free Trail Mix,’ back in stock for another two weeks. The product flew off shelves in mere hours after its…

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Beat ‘SC Bonfire to Burn Leftover Daily Bruins

WESTWOOD – The UCLA Student Alumni Association announced earlier this week that they would be using copies of The Daily Bruin that were left unread on the shelves and abandoned around campus as kindling for the Beat ‘SC Bonfire. While…

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Group Already Forming to Impeach Next President

NASHUA, NH–In light of recent election polls showing who the potential candidates for the next US President will be, a group of true American patriots have formed in the swing state of New Hampshire vowing to impeach whoever is elected. Not…