Author Archives: Josh Moscot

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Subway Launches Revolutionary Delivery Campaign

MILFORD— Subway rolled out a new delivery promotion on Tuesday to compete with Jimmy John’s 10-minute delivery pledge. In a sweeping move to undercut the competition, Subway now guarantees customers a delivery waiting-time of no more than 60 seconds. How do…

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Spotify App Allows Users to Interrupt Songs With Kanye

NEW YORK— Spotify recently announced a new listening feature that allows users to interrupt their current song with one of Kanye West’s. User reactions have been startlingly positive, indicating just how much people enjoy being interrupted by the eloquent rap…

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Newly Knighted “Father of Viagra” Erects New Tradition

LONDON— Early last week, Queen Elizabeth knighted Dr. Simon Campbell, the “Father of Viagra,” for his contributions to British society. Though unconventional, the public knighting ceremony was well received, especially by the beaming Prince William and his wife, Kate Middleton, who…

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LAPD Begins Training Hundreds of Police in Film Editing

LOS ANGELES— A few hours ago, Charlie Beck, Chief of Police for the Los Angeles Police Department, announced a pilot program in which hundreds of police officers will be trained in film editing software and technique. “The program is designed…

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UCLA Diversity Chair: An Exclusive Interview with Gene Block

Last Monday, Chancellor Block agreed to an exclusive interview with Satyr Magazine to discuss his difficulties in finding a diversity chair for UCLA. The following is the transcript of the conversation. SM: Hello, Chancellor Block! It’s a pleasure to finally…

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Lincoln, McConaughey in Groundbreaking Partnership

NEW YORK— In its typical avant-garde fashion, Lincoln Motors unveiled a new navigation system on Wednesday that foregoes geospatial guidance and instead provides philosophical directions. “Enough,” said Lincoln representative Andrew Meyser as he polished off a 64-calorie Michelob Ultra in his…

Source: espn.go.com

Commisioner Adds Legal Obstacles to NFL Combine

NEW YORK— Earlier this week, the National Football League’s Commissioner Roger Goodell made history by adding a new obstacle to the NFL Scouting Combine. The new assessment will follow the 40-yard dash and will require professional football candidates to quickly draft…

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Scientists Discover Location of Hell, Pleasantly Surprised

NORTHERN SIBERIA— An international team of seven geophysicists made a startling discovery earlier this week when they uncovered the actual location of Hell. Working deep in the badlands of Northern Siberia, the scientists dropped into an old cave system and…

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ORL To Offer “Street Knowledge” Tutoring

LOS ANGELES—UCLA’s Office of Residential Life (ORL) has decided to expand their tutoring service to offer “street knowledge” tutoring for undergraduate students. In an effort to prepare upperclassmen for the rigors of unemployment, they have brought on a team of…

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Physician Recommends Less Laughter For Putin

MOSCOW—Earlier this week, Vladimir Putin’s primary physician recommended less laughter for the Russian president. Citing health concerns, Dr. Kevin Trotskoff explained to our correspondent in Moscow that he has recommended slight changes to the President’s schedule, including fewer public appearances…