Author Archives: Kim Seltzer

About Kim Seltzer

Follow her on Twitter @kimseltzer
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Sneezing Man Waits for Blessing That Never Comes

THOUSAND OAKS— Local man, John Nathan, sneezed last Wednesday at BeanScene Coffee Shop at the corner of Lindero and Kanan eliciting no response from fellow espresso aficionados. Nathan, who ordered a room temperature Iced Chai, took a pause from drinking…

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Man Takes Sip From Empty Cup, Exaggerates Gulp to Compensate

LOS ANGELES– Last Friday, infrequent partygoer and third-year comparative literature student Patrick Goldberger attended a party at the Sigma Phi Epsilon fraternity house, where he attempted to feign drinking from the same empty cup all night. Goldberger, who attended the…

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Mom Riding Amusement Park Tram Thinks She’s a Celebrity

ANAHEIM– After boarding the Disneyland tram on Friday, tourist Shelley Mason reportedly believed it was her job to entertain the other passengers onboard and wave to the lowly people walking by. “As soon as she stepped onto the tram, she…

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Big Man Looks Adorable Jumping Over Little Puddle

LOS ANGELES— In the midst of Southern California’s biggest rainstorm of the season, local big man Ryan Strand managed to transcend his large appearance by daintily jumping over a moderately sized puddle. Strand, who encountered the puddle at a curb in…

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Local Man Swears Blind Woman Made Eye Contact With Him

LOS ANGELES– Following a short lunch break at the Corner Bakery Cafe, local man Ryan Singleton claimed a blind woman seated across the restaurant made eye contact with him on multiple occasions throughout his meal. Singleton reportedly believes he “witnessed…

Only one photo was able to be salvaged from the attack. It's this one.

Shark Attack Caught on Tape, Tape Eaten by Shark

SANTA MONICA– On Wednesday, beach dwellers at the Santa Monica Pier were fortunate enough to capture a violent shark attack on tape. Bystanders were observing the scene from the shore before running up to the pier in order to get…

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Festival Supreme: A Stage-By-Stage Review

Festival Supreme was last weekend, and it was fucking awesome. The one-day, Los Angeles music and comedy festival curated by Tenacious D upgraded its venue from last year’s overcrowded Santa Monica pier to this year’s much more accommodating Shrine Expo…

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My Roommate’s Alarm Schedule

Everyone knows that person whose alarm goes off 20 times a day. Because everyone knows my roommate. After months of rolling my eyes to the cries of her phone, I finally found out exactly what she needs to be reminded…

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Business Ideas for the Homeless

This Labor Day, we are lucky to have guest contributor Samantha Dorf, daughter of Humphrey Dorf (LA real estate tycoon, hard-fisted negotiator, and generous financial supporter of broke college humor magazines), provide us with some business ideas in order to…

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Sterling Addresses Racist Comments

LOS ANGELES—After TMZ leaked a conversation between Clippers owner Donald Sterling and girlfriend V. Stiviano, in which Sterling reportedly made numerous racist remarks, the old white guy issued a statement addressing the conversation. In the statement, Sterling denied telling Stiviano…

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Celebrity Snapshots

There’s no denying that celebrities are everywhere. And now, thanks to the hacking skills of Satyr’s IT department, they’re even more everywhere. From the silver screen to the iPhone screen and now to your computer screen, celebrities’ private snapchats are…

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QUIZ: Are YOU Racist??

1. It’s Friday night, and you’ve already had your bowl, already had cereal. You spend the rest of the night: A. Staying in with the girls. Painting your nails, freezing your friend’s bra, and gossiping about boys? Where can you…