Author Archives: Libby Burke

About Libby Burke

Follow her on Twitter @libby_burke96.g
12766804353_ac87c68575_b

Every College Social Group Claims Coke To Be Their Thing

Spring is in the air at UCLA, but allergies aren’t the only reason why students across campus have bloody noses. Whether it be your sorority’s pinning or your hipster-infused paint party, each self-segregated clique thinks they have their own special…

bjc

Students Disappointed Dance Marathon Failed to Cure AIDS

WESTWOOD—With Dance Marathon 2017 coming to a close, students have left the stale air of Pauley Pavilion exhausted and empty-handed. The Pediatric AIDS Coalition (PAC), even with hundreds of thousands of dollars donated, was unable to find a cure for…

March_for_Women's_Lives_1

The Women’s March: Mansplained

In case you didn’t hear, last weekend, there was a “Women’s March”. For those of you who don’t know, a march is when people hold up signs and yell about things they are upset about. It’s not that efficient, but…

SATYR- caps

CAPS gets C+, Decides to Take Next Quarter Pass/No Pass

WESTWOOD, CA– In response to receiving a C+ from the University of California Student Association, UCLA Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPs) has decided to retake the evaluation in the Spring, but has opted to take it Pass/No Pass. “I just…

SATYR-Trump Appointment

Obama Rumored to Nominate Trump for Supreme Court

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Despite facing an opposing Senate, President Obama has continued to fulfill his Constitutional responsibility of filling a vacant Supreme Court seat. At the top of this list is Donald Trump, a candidate for the Republican nomination. In response to…

1280px-2008-09-20_Dirty_water_spilling_from_a_bottle

10 Tricks to Tell if your Water is Actually Poison

With the water crisis in Flint, Michigan, making national headlines, here’s how to tell if your drinking water is actually toxic:     It tastes like water. You cannot taste, smell, or see if your water has lead in it. The only…

Ariel_Castro_FBI_interrogation

CIA Recruits Celebrities as Interrogators

FAIRFAX, VA — Inspired by the viral video of Sean Penn’s interview with El Chapo, as well as recent diplomacy between Dennis Rodman and Kim Jong Un, the CIA has decided to use celebrities as interrogators for terrorists. “Sean Penn’s…

14639137907_f19dfc33c1_b

No News: Ackerman is Having Another Poster Sale

WESTWOOD— Early this morning, local sources confirmed that ASUCLA is, in fact, having another poster sale. According to ASUCLA cashier, Jeff Grovers, the poster sale will continue to be in Bruin Plaza for the rest of the day as well…

17809592206_f462a3775c_o

Jeb Bush Rushed to Hospital after Shooting Himself in Foot

MEREDITH, NH – On January 6, 2015, Governor Jeb Bush was scheduled to speak at the Church Landing in Meredith, New Hampshire. However, before he could take the stage of the “Governing Under the Influence Education Project,” Bush was rushed…

SATYR-Facebook-World-is-Crap-Filter-Slider

Facebook’s New “World is Crap” Profile Filter

MENLO PARK, CA – Yesterday, Mark Zuckerberg announced the creation of a new profile filter. Fed up with the controversy over the recent French flag filter, Zuckerberg declared that the new one would simply be brown. “When we made the…

Royce_Hall_Facade

Royce Hall Deteriorating from Camera Flash

WESTWOOD– Earlier this week, scientists from the University of Southern California reported that Royce Hall is deteriorating. “The cause of this rapid detrition seems to be camera-flashes,” said Dr. Jim Smith, “we’ve never seen anything like it. We do most…