Author Archives: Mahir Shah

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Friends Un-invite Group Member to Avoid Getting UberXL

WESTWOOD—Last Saturday, a group of five UCLA students set out for a night of drinks, headed to a bar in Venice. However, a problem arose when they realized they had five people in their party–one more than the amount permitted…

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E. Coli Still on Chipotle’s Secret Menu

CALIFORNIA — It has been over a month since the Center for Disease Control issued a statement declaring the E. Coli outbreak at Chipotle over; however, recent reports suggest that E. Coli may still be available on the Mexican fast-food…

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Unemployed Analysts Track Lunch Trading Economy

ARKANSAS — As lunch-trading opened Monday morning following a volatile week, analysts were shocked as the latest reports showed the lunch-trading economy at Windsor Middle School, Arkansas collapsing. The lunch-trading economy, which consists of middle schoolers trading all or parts…

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Fat Sal’s to change Name to Obese Sal’s

WESTWOOD— The popular late-night food destination on Gayley, Fat Sal’s, announced that they will be changing their name to “Obese Sal’s”, after owner, Sal, was diagnosed with obesity. “We just wanted to be as accurate as possible with the name,”…

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Mundane Horoscopes

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19) and Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20) With Mercury making another revolution around the Sun, you are in perfect position to talk to a coworker this week. The messenger planet may also bring you good fortune—expect free Scantrons…

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Man Takes Wham! Song Literally, Regifts Human Heart

  LOS ANGELES—Matthew Kilmer, diagnosed with coronary heart disease, woke up Thursday morning to an exciting early Christmas present—a heart that could potentially save his life. The life-saving heart did not come from Santa Clause but instead from 27-year-old organ…

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Charles Shaw Wine Review

It’s Wine Thursday folks, and today I am going to be reviewing the 2015 Charles Shaw Valdiguié (in the Beaujolais nouveau style, of course). Deep red in color, I immediately knew this was a full-bodied wine with high tannin. Aromas…

Chips Ahoy

A Story: Typical Trip to Ralphs

Illustrated by Sarita Zed-Schreiber he time had come again—I had run out of boneless, skinless, organic chicken breast, but after my most recent trip to Whole Foods I knew I would never go back there again. My friends had mentioned…

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A Story: Typical Trip to Whole Foods

Illustrated by Sarita Zed-Schreiber adly, I had run out of boneless, skinless, organic chicken breast, so I knew it was time to make my weekly trip to Whole Foods. As I entered the parking lot in my teal Toyota Prius, I…

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Bruin Plate Ups Farro Usage to Curb Long Lines

WESTWOOD— UCLA dining representatives discussed various student complaints sent in during the previous quarter on Monday. Although complaints about Covel’s continued existence were expected, many targeted the university’s newest dining hall: Bruin Plate. Most complaints were directed towards Bruin Plate’s…

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Whole Foods Introduces 100 Percent Natural Ice

WESTWOOD— Whole Foods Market CEO, John Mackey, announced plans yesterday to introduce 100 percent Natural Ice in key university locations as part of a new initiative to attract more health-conscious fraternity youth. “100 percent Natty Ice is a huge improvement…

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MTV Creates ‘16 and Pregnant’ Sequel ‘32 and Grandmother’

LOS ANGELES— MTV spokesperson Jilly Kline announced this Wednesday that the network would be creating a “16 and Pregnant” spin-off series called “32 and Grandmother.” The new show will be made up of hour-long, documentary-style episodes detailing the lives of…

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Los Angeles Police Announce Snapchat 911 Service

WESTWOOD— The LAPD announced its new Snapchat service which allows students to send in “snaps” as a replacement to the traditional 911 call. “By using a modern technology like Snapchat, we hope that we can broaden our reach and appeal…

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NFL Week 12 Picks

Chiefs @ Raiders Winner: Raiders Offense With a predicted 3-5 minutes of play, the Raiders Offense will consider this a bye week. Fans can look forward to a well-rested offense and a possible win in the 2016 season. Buccaneers @…

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Emo Bar Opens in Westwood, Promotes “Sad Hour”

WESTWOOD— Crowds gathered outside of Westwood’s newest bar this Sunday in anticipation of the bar’s fresh take on happy hour: sad hour. Saddie’s, a bar and nightclub aimed at locals with “stronger” emotions, first decided to create a 5:00-7:00 p.m….