Author Archives: Gayan Seneviratna

About Gayan Seneviratna

Follow him on Twitter @its_guy_awn
bruinday

5 Dads You Will See at Bruin Day

Keep an eye out for dads this weekend. Here’s a few you may encounter:   The Pre-Med Coach Uniform: Polo shirt, Sunglasses, Crossed Arms This guy is going to be quiet during most of the visit, except for maybe making…

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Obituary – Boba Loca Declared Dead Today

WESTWOOD— After many years as the sole vendor of Boba* in Westwood Village, the businesses known as Boba Loca passed away early this morning. Past patrons gathered in Westwood to share their memories of the place. “Where are people going to…

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US Reinstates Relations with Cuba

WASHINGTON, DC— After over a decade of conflict, the Obama administration has expressed its desire to reinstate US relations with Cuba, which were severed in 2002 after the release of “Snow Dogs.” “That movie was terrible. Like, really bad,” President…

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Bonfire Protestors Revealed to be UC Regents Members

WESTWOOD— In a surprise twist, the protestors at the UCLA-USC Bonfire revealed that they had hidden their true identities as members of the UC Regents, the governing body of the UC system which recently approved a five percent per year tuition…

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Janitors Seek To End “This Stupid Rivalry Bullshit”

LOS ANGELES— Groundbreaking news came out of Ackerman Union today, where UCLA and USC’s facilities departments held peace talks regarding the schools’ decades-long rivalry. “Look, we’re fans of football as much as the students,” said UCLA janitor Randy Brewster, “but…

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USAC General Rep 4 to Start New Slate

LOS ANGELES— In a surprising move, General Representative 4 Sachin Medhekar has declared his decision to leave the ¡Bruin Satyrists! party, to start his own slate. “I was really disappointed by my performance in the election,” said the third-year Computer…

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A Plea for Help

Dearest reader, I hope this letter finds you well. Truly, it is great chance that you are reading these words. I have sent this letter to all but ten addresses around our nation, in the hopes that at least one…

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5 True (and totally unbiased) Facts About Introverts!

Don’t you hate it when everyone else is partying, and you’re stuck at home reading Buzzfeed lists and Satyr articles? Don’t worry! With this list, you can claim a feeling of smug self-righteousness over those damn extroverts and their partying…

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The “Drinking Game” Drinking Game

Beer Pong: You see a person airball and their teammate goes, “What was that, bro?” Beer Pong: Someone uses a bullshit house rule. Flip Cup: Some girl is failing to get her cup to land right. Everytime she messes up,…

1967 USC vs UCLA - Game of the Century

Janitors Seek To End “This Stupid Rivalry Bullshit”

LOS ANGELES—Groundbreaking news came out of Ackerman Union today, where the Facilities Departments of UCLA and USC held peace talks regarding the schools’ decade-long rivalry. “Look, we are fans of football as much as the students,” said janitor Randy Brewster,…