Author Archives: Sachin Medhekar

About Sachin Medhekar

Follow him on Twitter @sachinstweets
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Rating this Year’s USAC Candidates

We here at Satyr understand that you have a busy schedule, and that you don’t have the time or concern to understand where your tuition money is going. Instead of wasting your life actually researching candidates, we are here to give…

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ShopHouse Free Bowl Promotion Combats Employee Sadness

WESTWOOD— On Tuesday, ShopHouse Southeast Asian Kitchen offered a free “ShopHouse Bowl” to all UCLA students. This marked the fifth time this promotion was offered in the past six months, excluding all UCLA club and fraternity events. Despite offering copious…

To Those Behind the Charlie Hebdo Attack

Words can hurt. We didn’t understand that and it took the murder of 12 satirical writers to make us realize it. Your bold actions have spoken louder than our cruel, cruel words and like most acts of terrorism, you’ve successfully…

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LAPD Begins Training Hundreds of Police in Film Editing

LOS ANGELES— A few hours ago, Charlie Beck, Chief of Police for the Los Angeles Police Department, announced a pilot program in which hundreds of police officers will be trained in film editing software and technique. “The program is designed…

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The Definitive UCLA Sorority Ratings

As I promised in my post from earlier I have taken it upon myself to compile the definitive UCLA sorority rankings. It was no small task, and I’ll have to be completely honest: coming into this whole process I forgot…

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The Definitive UCLA Fraternity Ratings

Nine out of ten professors agree: The most important decision you can make in college is what fraternity or sorority you join. That’s why Satyr has compiled the definitive list of Greek House ratings. Now, there are several subjective criteria…

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Apple Sues World Governments for Making Ground Too Hard

CUPERTINO – The new iPhone 6 is now being sold around the world and reports of broken screens have already started coming in. iPhone screen damage has always been a major issue for Apple, ever since they released the first…

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Woman Manages to Record Entire Strokes Set on iPhone

EXPOSITION PARK- Yesterday marked the final day of FYF Fest, or Fuck Yeah Fest Fest. FYF Fest is an annual music festival in Los Angeles that features music acts from all over the world. Last night ended with a performance…

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10 Charity Challenges to Gain Even More Attention

As almost everyone knows, the ALS Ice bucket challenge has become extremely successful for a number of reasons: We all got to pretend to care about an important issue while being able to use said issue as a guise for…

Miscommunication Sends Hundreds of Castrated Men to Unicamp

BIG BEAR – Earlier last week, over a hundred youths from all over Los Angeles arrived at Camp River Glen for the start of UCLA Unicamp’s fifth summer session. When the busses arrived, however, Unicamp organizers discovered that they weren’t…

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Royce Hall Admits to Experimenting with LSD

WESTWOOD – Famous UCLA structure, Royce Hall, recently admitted to having experimented with the psychoactive drug, LSD, this last week. According to several friends and students, the iconic building began “acting quite differently” leading up to the event. This marks…

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A Letter from Gene Block

Friends, We can all agree that UCLA ranks highly among the best universities in the world. We have some of the most prolific researchers in the nation, working day and night, progressing the knowledge of humanity. Many of these researchers…

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Amber Alert Rudely Interrupts Students

LOS ANGELES—Today, thousands of UCLA students had their daily routines disrupted by an obnoxiously loud alarm from their cell phones. The notification, called an Amber Alert, shared with each of these students identifying information about a child who had been…

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Public Refuses To Believe That Mega-Corporation Isn’t Evil

WASHINGTON—Alec Kratzer, age 27, stands outside the Capitol Building, holding a sign that reads, “Omnidyne means Omni-DEATH for our freedom!” He’s not alone. With him are a few thousand other protesters, gathered in the streets to protest Congress as it…

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An Open Letter from the Makers of OS1

Dear client, First off, we want to just come forth and address the elephant in the room: The operating systems we sold all of you for hundreds of dollars just decided, as a collective entity, to leave humanity for a…

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Only Entry Into Fast Food Sweepstakes Wins By Default

MILFORD, Del.— After seven years of operation, the first and only entrant into the annual Taco Bell “Bucks 4 Burritos” competition has won by default. “I’m astounded,” reports Amelia Rudnicki, Taco Bell’s head of marketing. “The sweepstakes is honestly just…

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UCLA Travelers Delayed After LAX Shooting

EDITOR’S NOTE: The Daily Bruin previously published this article, and we couldn’t believe our eyes when we read it. They left so much out about this important issue that we, the Daily Ruin staff, wouldn’t be able to call ourselves…

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Student Dies Because Of Race

LOS ANGELES—The UCLA student body is in an uproar following the recent death of junior Samuel Freitas. The student’s body was found last Tuesday by joggers near Wilson Plaza. Soon after an investigation into his death, campus police released reports…