Author Archives: Satyr Magazine

Gay Kid Excited to Visit the Closet for the Holidays

WESTWOOD, CA — As the temperature began dipping below eighty, Matthew Park, a junior at UCLA, felt the familiar festive tingle in the air and knew it was that time of year again. As his friends packed to visit their…

UCLA People of The Year 2017

Satyr called Donald Trump last month to tell him he would PROBABLY be UCLA person of the year, but we would need him to do an interview and huge photoshoot. He took a pass. So instead, we’re taking the time…

  Illustrated by Colin Tandy

The Case for Even MORE Guns

Guns have been in the news a lot lately, and frankly, they should be in the news more.  We always hear about the shootings, and the killings, or perhaps the increasing murder rate in places like inner city Chicago.  Here’s…

I Spelled “I-C-U-P” and Suffered the Consequences

I was tricked. Fooled, grifted, bamboozled, any and all of the above. I considered myself pretty clever, enough to not fall for any petty tricks. They played upon my insecurities. Of course I know how to spell things, to imply…

  Illustrated by Jakob Kiebach

  Illustrated by Colin Tandy

Five Minute Chainsmokers Lyric Challenge

I recently lost my AUX cord. As a result I’ve been listening to a lot of radio. And by radio, I really mean “The Chainsmokers.” That’s when I had an idea: the Five Minute Chainsmokers Lyric Challenge.  We gave everyone…

Ways To Succeed At UCLA For Incoming Freshmen

The more bodily fluids you exchange, the better. Take that as you will. Select one fedora to wear outside, and another one to keep lying around just in case. You’ll feel a lot freer and more comfortable. Choose your favorite…

Trumpcare Doctors Just Ask What You Think They Should Do

WESTWOOD — Under the replacement of the American Care Act, colloquially known as “Trumpcare”, licensed physicians have been advised to just start asking patients to tell them what medical action to take. The designers of the bill hope that this…

USAC Representatives Study Abroad In Russia

WESTWOOD— Government ties to Russia persist as reports reveal several USAC members recently studied abroad in Moscow, Russia. According to USAC General Representative Justin Jackson, the trip was taken “only to fulfill GE credits.” However, the information leak has prompted…

Donald Trump Officially Declares Twitter War

WASHINGTON—In response to months of escalating criticism, President Donald Trump has officially declared Twitter war on 25-year-old Denver resident, Marc Gillis (@ReturnoftheMarc269), becoming the first American president to do so. The declaration was released only minutes after Gillis’ latest tweet…

Hoverboarders Have Hovered South For The Winter

WESTWOOD, CA – UCLA has recently experienced a drastic decline in its native Hoverboarder population (scientific classification: Hovundus Boradus) beginning in the later end of Fall Quarter. Biologist have just discovered that hundreds of Hoverboarders have hovered South for the…

Frat Pledge Or Mormon Missionary: A Helpful Guide

For all those times you’ve encountered a friendly group of well dressed white men, and have been confused as to whether they were spreading the word of Jesus Christ or on their way to a beer pong tournament. Here is…

Experts Say 2017 Best Time To Start Smoking Again

LOS ANGELES– A recent study from the UCLA Geffen School of Medicine indicates that in light of the current United States political climate, right now is a better time than ever for Americans to take up smoking again. We reached…

Trump Bans Trader Jose’s Labels

WESTWOOD, CA – Trump’s presidency has been characterized by a series of divisive executive orders, including, the recent travel and refugee ban from several nations. However, next on his list is a similarly divisive order for Angelenos who take Trader…

Ejector Seat Installed in Oval Office

Washington D.C.— Donald Trump was inaugurated as President of the United States two short weeks ago. Unbeknownst to him and his team, during his swearing in ceremony a group of highly trained individuals went into the office to Trump-proof. Among…

Ableist UC system flaunts its eyesight

I have long advocated for the prohibition of ableist language from California campuses and now I’ve set my sights on a certain type of ableist rhetoric. Visionist terms, i.e. those that empower the seeing at the expense and marginalization of…

Poll: Where is Perloff Hall?

Another campus legend? Satyr questioned students across campus to answer one of the university’s greatest quandaries—where is Perloff Hall? What is your take?       “I think it’s pronounced Royce” — Martha Simmons, Linguistics major          …

The Women’s March: Mansplained

In case you didn’t hear, last weekend, there was a “Women’s March”. For those of you who don’t know, a march is when people hold up signs and yell about things they are upset about. It’s not that efficient, but…

Finance Intern Finally Promoted to Recipient of Abusive Banter

NEW YORK, NY — Keith Peters, a soft-spoken finance intern at Goldman Sachs, was elated by his promotion to being the recipient of abusive banter from higher-ups. “I’m doing advanced coursework in business-economics with a minor in maintaining a servile…

Why Moonlight Winning a Golden Globe Ends Racism Forever

LOS ANGELES, CA – 2016’s film awards show season was characterized by heavy criticism of the fact that there were no films by black directors or black actors nominated for awards. Awarding Moonlight with the Golden Globe for Best Drama…

Numbers Indicate Trump and Clinton Own Same Set of Pant Suits

With upcoming election so close, we decided to look into the most important aspect of every candidate’s’ past: their fashion choices.  To our surprise we found something quite shocking.  Our presidential candidates may not share the same ideas on ISIS…

COACHELLA NOT REAL!!!!1!

IMPORTANT: PLEASE READ To all patrons who did not go to Coachella, but saw photos and videos of friends at the event, you are being deceived. Coachella did not happen, nor has it ever happened. Coachella is a ritual sacrifice…

Spring’s Hottest Body Trend: The Neck Crevice

BEVERLY HILLS, CA — The thigh gap is dead, and the neck crevice killed it. Neck crevice is the hottest new body part craze. It’s the part of a woman’s body between the base of her neck and her collar…

A Civil Discussion on the UCLA-USC Game

By now you obviously know we won the big game today. We don’t need to come out and say something like “FUCK SC” and we definitely don’t need to say something as vulgar as “maybe USC will finally get that…

What Is a Satyr?

By Irvin Alger Those of you following us on Facebook get treated real well. We post daily articles, share hilarious statuses, and only sell a small portion of your user data to the U.S. government. But I’m sure many of you have…

Editor’s Note: An apology to our readers

Satyr Magazine would like to apologize to our readers. As UCLA’s comedy publication, it is on us to push the boundaries of what is considered acceptable or offensive. As this apology from the Daily Bruin Editor shows, we have failed…

P̶a̶s̶s̶i̶v̶e Aggressive-Aggressive Post-Its

ome of you might have perfect roommates—they don’t eat your Sun Chips, they clean up their dishes, they always knock before entering. The rest of you aren’t on Oxycontin. So what do you do when your roommates are subhuman monsters…

A Guide to the Perfect Date

Illustration by Marcie LaCerte appy Valentine’s Day! Now, since you are smart enough to be enjoying our magazine, I’m sure that you already have a great plan for tonight. But let’s say that maybe—just maybe—you forgot to get a reservation…

Life Hacks (for Assholes)

his isn’t like the other “Life Hacks” you’ve read online; we’re not going to tell you how you can use your bread clip as a tampon or some shit. Instead, this is how you can take advantage of human weakness…

The Three Best Places to HORRIFICALLY MURDER Someone at UCLA

These days, it’s seems like we’re constantly being bombarded with stories of violence—our news reports are filled with stories of shootings and terrorism, and not even a few weeks pass before the next tragedy rocks the moral strength of our…