Author Archives: Sarah Crosthwaite

About Sarah Crosthwaite

Follow her on Twitter @slicingbread
sportsrape

Universities Start #ButHeWasGoodAtSports In Response To #MeToo

LOS ANGELES – Women everywhere have been using the hashtag #MeToo to share their experiences with sexual assault and harassment. Universities everywhere have started using the hashtag  #ButHeWasGoodAtSports to share their own experiences with sexual misconduct. A spokesperson from the…

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Emojis For Our New World Order

Emojis are fun ways to communicate your most common thoughts! A tiny salsa dancer says “Let’s have a girls night out!” Now that your most frequent thoughts are changing because of the current political climate, Emoji has released an update!…

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Spring Trends, Light Colors Heavy Treason

****TREND ALERT**** WASHINGTON, DC — This spring there are two new trends sweeping Washington DC: light colors and heavy treason! Everyone on the Hill is getting in on it. Michael Flynn, Jared Kushner and even president Donald Trump have all…

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USAC President Named Honorary Member of Sig Ep

WESTWOOD – After a picture surfaced of USAC president Danny Siegel making a Blood gang sign, the fraternity Sigma Phi Epsilon has offered him an honorary membership. The fraternity, famed for hosting a tasteful “Kanye Western” party last year, sees…

ZBT

ZBT Eats Couches

WESTWOOD – Daily Ruin recently noticed a strange phenomenon occurring on Strathmore. The fraternity ZBT has not one, not two, not three, not four, but five** partially destroyed couches sitting on their porch. According to our sources, the only explanation…

SATYR Nervous tick

5 Cute Nervous Ticks To Try This Finals Season

 1. Nervous Eye Twitch The Nervous eye twitch is the “red lip classic” of nervous twitches. When you walk into a room and notice a girl twitching, you know she was brought up with class. There’s a casual elegance about…

SATYR - Oscar Mix Up

Hillary Clinton Filled With New Hope After Oscars Mix-Up

HOLLYWOOD – Tonight, La La Land was announced the winner of the Oscar for best picture. It was however, not the winner for best picture. Halfway through LaLa Land’s acceptance speech, it was announced that Moonlight had actually won the…

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Westwood’s Top Five Garbage Piles Ranked!

The Westwood Village neighborhood is one of the most densely populated areas in LA. It’s populated exclusively by children slowly learning how to be less terrible. As a result, Westwood gets some pretty rad garbage piles. We at Satyr consider…

UCLA Pad That

DeVos to Turn UCLA into Small Thai Place

WESTWOOD – Many of our readers have been asking, “What does Betsy DeVos’s confirmation as Education Secretary mean for me specifically?” This morning DeVos made a statement that answered those questions. She stated that she plans to turn the University…

SATYR-Altfacts

10 UCLA Alternative Facts

Gene Block is super involved. People see him as a father figure. I invited him to my little sister’s Bat Mitzvah. USAC is effective and transparent. Everyone knows what they do. In fact we all say hello to our USAC…

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Fat Sal’s Actually Mass Drunken Hallucination

WESTWOOD —  A recent investigation has uncovered that local eatery, Fat Sal’s, doesn’t actually exist. Sources have informed Daily Ruin that Fat Sal’s is not a real restaurant, but rather a mutual drunken hallucination shared by the entire UCLA community….

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Greek Life Already Dusting Off Offensive Costumes

WESTWOOD — The seasons are changing and freshman biology majors everywhere are transforming into sexy cats. It’s the Halloween season again and our sources have confirmed that Greek Life is already dusting off their offensive Halloween costumes. “It’s just kind…

SATYR - Sportsbra

Satyr Writers Take on Wooden’s Anti Sports Bra Policy

The John Wooden Center has a strict policy stating students must wear shirts over their sports bras. Any student attempting to work out in a sports bra is asked to cover their overly provocative bare abdomen or leave immediately. Last…

SATYR- Captan America

Historical Inaccuracies in Captain America Civil War

Captain America: Civil War was a fine movie. I enjoyed it on a superficial level, but unfortunately the history buff in me couldn’t avoid noticing a couple glaring historical errors. Oh what was that? You were planning on going back…

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Most Common Lies Told on Bruin Day

The Sculpture Garden isn’t just people standing still painted like statues. The first thing you learn once you go to UCLA is that the sculpture garden is actually many people standing very still painted convincingly like metal. Art is expensive,…

SATYR- Capitalism

Urban Outfitters Releases New “Fuck Capitalism” Line

PHILADELPHIA – Urban Outfitters has recently released a “Fuck Capitalism ” collection to more accurately cater to their demographic of “18-24-year-old binge drinkers whose parents have money.” Since Bernie has been gaining so much momentum among America’s hippest youth, socialism…

SATYR-Neck Crevice

Spring’s Hottest Body Trend: The Neck Crevice

BEVERLY HILLS, CA — The thigh gap is dead, and the neck crevice killed it. Neck crevice is the hottest new body part craze. It’s the part of a woman’s body between the base of her neck and her collar…

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New UCLA Frat Discovered to Be Offshoot of Local Cult

WESTWOOD — UCLA recently added a new frat to the row, the little known Delta Iota Epsilon. This addition initially brought excitement to the student population, but that excitement may not continue, as Delta Iota Epsilon has recently been exposed…

SATYR- Super Tuesday -Slider

Super Tuesday: Bernie Supporters Mistake Tweeting for Voting

WASHINGTON D.C. — Despite the mass quantities of Bernie merch purchased on Etsy, the explosion of viral Bernie memes, and “cool young” celebrity endorsements, Sanders somehow managed to only carry four states. Some preliminary research into this quandary showed that…

SATYR- Cultural Appropriation

Spring Cultural Appropriation Catalogue

Spring is almost here, and that means new designs are hitting runways all over the world. This season, one edgy new trend is taking the fashion industry by storm–cultural appropriation! Here are some of the hottest pieces to look out…

SATYR-Scalia

Scalia Reunited With Father, the Devil

WASHINGTON D.C. — Justice Antonin Scalia was found dead at a resort Saturday. Although many Americans rejoiced upon hearing this news, no one was more excited than Scalia’s father, the devil. “Now that Antonin is back in Hell, the place…

DB breaking news

Daily Bruin Mistakes Mundane Event for News

WESTWOOD – UCLA’s award winning Daily Bruin newspaper has recently “screwed the pooch” as they say. Last Wednesday, they covered an event in their “News” section that was not actually news but a routine mundane happening. The article was a…

Trump Mad Libs

Donald Trump Mad Lib

A new game that’s fun for the whole family. It’s only January, and the 2016 election has already been filled with all kinds of exciting speeches given by charismatic, unexpected front runner(s). Now you and your family can have hours…

Tired-Nurse

Woman Dressed as Exhausted Nurse for Halloween

WESTWOOD – Saturday night, a girl attended a Halloween frat party as a realistically exhausted nurse. “I based my costume after the nurses I see walking around Ronald Reagan,” said party-goer, Daphne Sykes. “They get off their shifts when I’m…

United States Government Gives Up Turns to Crowdfunding

United States Government Gives Up Turns to Crowd Funding

  It’s that time of year again; the leaves are turning, children are donning sheets and becoming ghosts, and tensions within Congress are at an all- time high. But instead of jumping on board the emotional roller coaster that is…

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A Night at Home with UCLA’s Tunnel People

Mr. and Mrs. Robertson are  a lovely family who have invited me into their home. I’ve brought a Trader Joe’s frozen tiramisu and am ready to enter their world. Mrs. Robertson opens the front door for me (which is really…

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Why We Should Elect Another White Male President

I am a feminist. I am a liberal. I do not believe in the gender binary. I do, however, believe that the United States should elect a white male as president in 2016. Breaking through glass ceilings takes time, time…

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US Government’s New Year’s Resolutions

The United States federal government had some political hiccups in 2014, but not this year. 2015 is going to be completely different. No more political unrest, it’s all decriminalized weed and cuban cigars from here on out. Here’s how the…

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Passive Aggressive Holiday Cards

Passive Aggressive Score: Unkind Perfect when you want to acknowledge the season but don’t want to set unrealistic expectations. Passive Aggressive Score: Brutally honest You may have a smiling blond family, but what if you want to send a card to…

RA Roommate

Top Three Ways to Deal with Your Marxist Roommate

We all know that college is a time for experimentation with both bisexuality and political extremism, but nobody wants to get paired up with Marx-reincarnate as their roommate. To find out whether your roommate is harboring socialist sympathies, ask yourself…

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George, George, and Jeb: A Bush Dialogue

The Bush family house is abuzz with the anticipation that Jeb Bush will probably be running for president. Jeb and George Sr. sit at the breakfast nook looking at some preliminary research and strategizing. George Sr. laughs confidently, clearly impressed…