BREAKING: Sources Say The Bible to Run for Speaker of the House

WASHINGTON, D.C.- According to several House of Representative aides, The Bible announced its bid for Speaker of the House during a closed meeting with GOP leaders Sunday morning.

The Republican party has spent the past couple weeks scouring the Capitol Building for a candidate to replace current House Majority Leader John Boehner. Despite being one of the most powerful political voices in the country for decades, The Bible was initially overlooked by party leaders; mistaken for an inanimate book on the podium.

Many Republican representatives, including House Majority Whip Steve Scalise, let out audible sighs of relief upon hearing the news.

“When Kevin [McCarthy] withdrew from the race, I started worrying we’d have to play more drunken rounds of eeny-meeny-miny-moe to sort this whole thing out,” Scalise said, explaining that a modified version of the popular children’s game has become the majority party’s go-to strategy for making decisions when a consensus cannot be reached through discussion or prayer.

“Let’s just say it’s gotten pretty crazy over here with all this Planned Parenthood, debt ceiling, gun control stuff,” Scalise said, hiccoughing. “I’m honestly not sure how many more mint juleps this bad boy can take.”

According to multiple aides present at the meeting, The Bible said it was running because it believed it could lead the Republican party to take more moderate stances on issues such as tax reform, the military industrial complex, and drug laws.

The Bible added that the extremely conservative views advocated by some Republican representatives are not only not what most American Republicans want, they actively harm America and many of the core values The Bible has always advocated for.

This part of The Bible’s speech made some members of the GOP nervous.

“It’s not that I’m saying a better leader than the word of God exists,” Representative Mark Walker of North Carolina’s 6th District said, visible drops of sweat appearing above his brow.

“But I am saying that maybe The Bible doesn’t know everything about, like, the intricacies of trickle-down economics. I mean, maybe there should just be more of a separation between politics and The Bible? I don’t know, just an idea.”♦

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