Breitbart News Network, popularized and run by the newly-appointed Chief Strategist, Steve Bannon, has neglected to showcase their sexy contributors. I have finally put together the official “Breitbart’s Top 5 Sexiest Contributors List”. Though this list may be full of fear-mongering supremacists, that doesn’t make them any less sexy.
5) John Nolte
You may know Johnny Boy from his article “Racist, Pro-Nazi Roots of Planned Parenthood Revealed”, but you may not know the face of the silver-fox behind the computer screen. When you’re with him, you’ll definitely be needing some planned parenthood (but you definitely won’t because that is paying homage to the Nazi party lol). And how about those eyes!
4) Austin Ruse
If his hateful rhetoric doesn’t turn you on, maybe his chiseled nose and lack of chin will do the trick. He may have written the article “Trannies Whine About Hilarious Bruce Jenner Billboard”, but you’ll be the one whining if you don’t get a kiss on the mouth from this stud.
3) Roger Stone
Roger Stone’s stone-hard abs should be enough to make you swoon all the way into the alt-right, but if not maybe his pretty-boy smile will win you over. Or maybe you’ll fall in love after his article claiming Clinton’s aide, Huma Abedin, is most likely a Saudi spy. To his credit, if I were a Saudi spy, I’d be spying on ol’ Roger changing in the locker room.
2) Milo Yiannopoulos:
You must know this heartthrob from UCLA’s “Feminism is Cancer” event. This faux-blond cherub of a man says women don’t get work because “they suck at interviews”, but he’ll give you something else to suck, just so long as you’re not being a radical feminist. You also may not be able to study math and science under his watch, but you can still study his beautiful eyes anytime.
1) Steve Bannon:
The dark lord of Breitbart himself, Steve “Magic Fingers” Bannon, takes the cake on our sexiest contributors list. He’s on record saying “darkness is good”, so you know he likes lovin’ with the lights off. Imagine his blubbery stubble grazing your neck. So hot! He also wants to send his kids to schools with the fewest number of Jews. We can’t really make a sex pun about this without being horribly offensive, but boy is he still sexy!
Be sure to share and leave comments below! My wife has already given me an earful about making this list, and I’d love to hear your thoughts too.