WESTWOOD, CA — In an announcement that shocked patrons of all campus eateries, President of the Bruin Republicans Club, Michael Bezoian, has announced a ban on the import of falafel, tabouli, and five other traditionally Middle Eastern foods to Covel dining hall.
This comes as blow to many of the University’s Muslim students as they were expecting the safe and peaceful arrival of their foods. The food is supposedly being held in an undisclosed refrigerator until their threat level can be assessed. Food that was already in transit when the executive order was made were also detained.
Questions are being raised about Bezoians specificity in his order. Foods such as kebabs and hummus are oddly left out of the otherwise sweeping ban. Even more suspicious, the un-banned foods rank among the president’s favorite to eat. The ban, according to confirmed sources, arose amidst the fear of extreme bacterial contamination. Fact checking shows that there have been negligible amounts of foodborne illnesses associated with the banned foods. Hummus, on the other hand, has been the culprit for hundreds of confirmed cases of Listeria in the United States and abroad.
Many scholars are debating the legality of this order. It is yet to be confirmed whether this is an actionable offense against the presidency of Bezoian.