Bruin Republicans Campaign To Eliminate Halloween’s “Free Handout” Culture

The Bruin Republicans’ campaign seeks to gain awareness surrounding the “grossly socialist” American tradition of trick-or-treating.

LOS ANGELES—After a week of community outreach, the Bruin Republicans’ annual “Halloween Unwrapped” awareness campaign is coming to an end today.

“There are few things more dangerous to the American people than the ideals encouraged by this pagan celebration,” said club member Robert Wilson.

This week, Bruin Republicans spoke at several local schools and went door-to-door in nearby neighborhoods, explaining to Los Angeles residents how this seemingly innocent holiday is actually corrupting society.

“Giving out candy is basically saying that you’re OK with handouts,” said club president Mary Durham, “and that’s brainwashing kids into supporting a socialist regime before they can make their own informed decisions about this kind of stuff.”

The club also talked to adults about the “very real” possibility that anchor babies and their families depend on the candy they collect on Halloween for subsistence during the winter.

“Sometimes, the best way to go is to starve ‘em out,” said Jake Simmons, the Bruin Republicans’ military strategist.1

Overall reception to the club’s campaign seems to be growing. This year, Durham reported, fewer people slammed doors in their faces than in previous years.

“More and more people are realizing that this is not the kind of holiday a respectable American should support,” she said.

In an effort to provide children with a fun alternative to trick-or-treating, the club is hosting a “Proud to be American” party tonight at the Westside Family YMCA on La Grange Ave. Refreshments, pizza, and dessert will be served. ♦

1Simmons was forcibly removed during a Wednesday visit to a second grade class after voicing this comment.

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