Category: Daily Ruin

UCLA’s Occasionally Preferred News Source

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Universities Start #ButHeWasGoodAtSports In Response To #MeToo

LOS ANGELES – Women everywhere have been using the hashtag #MeToo to share their experiences with sexual assault and harassment. Universities everywhere have started using the hashtag  #ButHeWasGoodAtSports to share their own experiences with sexual misconduct. A spokesperson from the…

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Lying Is OK, Learns Child Watching C-SPAN

BAKERSFIELD, CA— Kristen, a six-year-old kindergartener, watched C-SPAN every day for at least three hours for the past year.  It has helped to improve her vocabulary, making her the most aware kid in her kindergarten class.  C-SPAN also made her…

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McDonald’s Milking Millennials For McNuggets

  Downey, CA – Everyone knows about the Ball, the Boot, the Bone, and the Bell – but McDonlad’s Inc. has a surprise for it’s chicken nugget fans. It will be introducing six new #relatable shapes of McNuggets some time…

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Op-Ed: Thousands Enraptured at Welcome To Bruin Life

  On Sunday September 25th 2017, all six thousand members of the Freshman class attended Welcome To Bruin Life, the final activity of UCLA’s True Bruin Welcome Week. As the students clamored into Pauley Pavilion, they glanced up at the…

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White People Listen To Damn. For Racial Debt

  Los Angeles–Kendrick Lamar’s fourth studio album, DAMN., was released on April 14 to rave reviews and critical acclaim. According to Lamar’s label Interscope Records, much of the album’s commercial success can be credited to white millennials buying the album…

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Spring Trends, Light Colors Heavy Treason

****TREND ALERT**** WASHINGTON, DC — This spring there are two new trends sweeping Washington DC: light colors and heavy treason! Everyone on the Hill is getting in on it. Michael Flynn, Jared Kushner and even president Donald Trump have all…

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Trumpcare Doctors Just Ask What You Think They Should Do

WESTWOOD — Under the replacement of the American Care Act, colloquially known as “Trumpcare”, licensed physicians have been advised to just start asking patients to tell them what medical action to take. The designers of the bill hope that this…

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USAC Representatives Study Abroad In Russia

WESTWOOD— Government ties to Russia persist as reports reveal several USAC members recently studied abroad in Moscow, Russia. According to USAC General Representative Justin Jackson, the trip was taken “only to fulfill GE credits.” However, the information leak has prompted…

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White House Press Room Podium Replaced With Bush

Washington―In the latest shake-up the Trump administration has made to the White House, Sean Spicer has decided to replace the historic podium in the press room with a bush. The decision comes after the suspicious timing of the firing of…

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USAC President Named Honorary Member of Sig Ep

WESTWOOD – After a picture surfaced of USAC president Danny Siegel making a Blood gang sign, the fraternity Sigma Phi Epsilon has offered him an honorary membership. The fraternity, famed for hosting a tasteful “Kanye Western” party last year, sees…

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An Interview With The Iconic Moses Of De Neve

WESTWOOD – A new campus hero has risen to light recently. Brent Davis, a third year computer science major, safely led a group of hesitant freshmen across the De Neve crosswalk during a red light, and has since gained campus-wide…

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Report: 67% Of Nation’s Cigarette Smokers UCLA Art Students

LOS ANGELES—In a study published this Tuesday, researchers at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine revealed that 67% of cigarette smokers across the country are currently studying within the UCLA School of the Arts and Architecture. “Our studies indicate…

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ZBT Eats Couches

WESTWOOD – Daily Ruin recently noticed a strange phenomenon occurring on Strathmore. The fraternity ZBT has not one, not two, not three, not four, but five** partially destroyed couches sitting on their porch. According to our sources, the only explanation…

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North Korean Missile Gets Too Excited, Blows Early

PYONGYANG —North Korea attempted its fifth missile launch of the year, on Saturday, following the annual Day of the Sun Parade, in which military equipment is driven through the capital city as a show of force.  It appears that the…

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Donald Trump Officially Declares Twitter War

WASHINGTON—In response to months of escalating criticism, President Donald Trump has officially declared Twitter war on 25-year-old Denver resident, Marc Gillis (@ReturnoftheMarc269), becoming the first American president to do so. The declaration was released only minutes after Gillis’ latest tweet…

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Experts Report Fun Part Of College Over Now

WESTWOOD, CA  — Popular perception of the American college experience as portrayed by the media is what experts describe as “fun” for “young people”. However, now that the first week or so of the new quarter has passed, researchers out…

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Students Disappointed Dance Marathon Failed to Cure AIDS

WESTWOOD—With Dance Marathon 2017 coming to a close, students have left the stale air of Pauley Pavilion exhausted and empty-handed. The Pediatric AIDS Coalition (PAC), even with hundreds of thousands of dollars donated, was unable to find a cure for…

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Hoverboarders Have Hovered South For The Winter

WESTWOOD, CA – UCLA has recently experienced a drastic decline in its native Hoverboarder population (scientific classification: Hovundus Boradus) beginning in the later end of Fall Quarter. Biologist have just discovered that hundreds of Hoverboarders have hovered South for the…

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Study Shows That Girlfriend Is Probably Just Fine

SEATTLE — In a study published this Tuesday, researchers at the University of Washington revealed that your girlfriend is “probably just fine,” despite the fact that you missed her birthday party last Saturday. “Although you’ve been dating for nearly four…

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Newly Discovered Planets Ask Humans to Leave Them Alone

WASHINGTON DC – On Wednesday, February 22, NASA announced that it had discovered three possibly habitable earth-sized planets in the TRAPPIST-1 system, igniting the scientific community and the world. Life existing on other planets has always been in question, however,…

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Experts Say 2017 Best Time To Start Smoking Again

LOS ANGELES– A recent study from the UCLA Geffen School of Medicine indicates that in light of the current United States political climate, right now is a better time than ever for Americans to take up smoking again. We reached…

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Hillary Clinton Filled With New Hope After Oscars Mix-Up

HOLLYWOOD – Tonight, La La Land was announced the winner of the Oscar for best picture. It was however, not the winner for best picture. Halfway through LaLa Land’s acceptance speech, it was announced that Moonlight had actually won the…

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Trump University Teaches Business Ethnics Class

SAN DIEGO, CA — Trump University recently settled a court case about the University’s controversial curriculum  and following this the details of the case were released to the public. One class that stood is a course in the  “Business Ethnics”…

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Trump Bans Trader Jose’s Labels

WESTWOOD, CA – Trump’s presidency has been characterized by a series of divisive executive orders, including, the recent travel and refugee ban from several nations. However, next on his list is a similarly divisive order for Angelenos who take Trader…

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DeVos to Turn UCLA into Small Thai Place

WESTWOOD – Many of our readers have been asking, “What does Betsy DeVos’s confirmation as Education Secretary mean for me specifically?” This morning DeVos made a statement that answered those questions. She stated that she plans to turn the University…

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Russia Hacks Walmart’s Speaker System

OWENSBORO, KENTUCKY — Yesterday a local Walmart’s PA system broadcasted a strange message. According to the employees and shoppers present, it sounded as if the message was broadcast in Russian. Investigators have tied this incident to a number of other…

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Finance Intern Finally Promoted to Recipient of Abusive Banter

NEW YORK, NY — Keith Peters, a soft-spoken finance intern at Goldman Sachs, was elated by his promotion to being the recipient of abusive banter from higher-ups. “I’m doing advanced coursework in business-economics with a minor in maintaining a servile…

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Why Moonlight Winning a Golden Globe Ends Racism Forever

LOS ANGELES, CA – 2016’s film awards show season was characterized by heavy criticism of the fact that there were no films by black directors or black actors nominated for awards. Awarding Moonlight with the Golden Globe for Best Drama…

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Why There Ought to be a Cap on Women’s Height

Internet idol, Milo Yiannopoulos, recently brought up the great point of needing a cap on the amount of women in science and math. This got me thinking: what else should women be restricted on for the good of mankind? Women’s…

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Fat Sal’s Actually Mass Drunken Hallucination

WESTWOOD —  A recent investigation has uncovered that local eatery, Fat Sal’s, doesn’t actually exist. Sources have informed Daily Ruin that Fat Sal’s is not a real restaurant, but rather a mutual drunken hallucination shared by the entire UCLA community….

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Man Confuses Sbarro Line for Trump Protest

Upon hearing the disappointing news of the election, Julian Friedl, a freshman at Santa Monica Community College, was extremely eager to take to the streets and voice his frustrations amongst other protesters. Last Saturday, he traveled to what he called…

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Hillary Clinton’s Emails Revealed to Be Deleted J-Crew Spam

**BREAKING NEWS** Hillary Clinton’s Deleted Emails Have Finally Been Revealed to be J.Crew Spam WASHINGTON D.C. — With the election just days away, another Congressional hearing was gathered to dig into presidential nominee Hillary Clinton’s deleted private emails. The results…

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Trump Decimates Republican Party, Makes America Great Again

WASHINGTON, DC — Sources just confirmed the embarrassing demise of the Republican party. Following what political historians are calling Trump’s “Pussygate” a few weeks ago, several Republican leaders jolted awake from their Reagan-era wet-dreams and publicly renounced their support for…

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Numbers Indicate Trump and Clinton Own Same Set of Pant Suits

With upcoming election so close, we decided to look into the most important aspect of every candidate’s’ past: their fashion choices.  To our surprise we found something quite shocking.  Our presidential candidates may not share the same ideas on ISIS…

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Greek Life Already Dusting Off Offensive Costumes

WESTWOOD — The seasons are changing and freshman biology majors everywhere are transforming into sexy cats. It’s the Halloween season again and our sources have confirmed that Greek Life is already dusting off their offensive Halloween costumes. “It’s just kind…

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NBC Cancels The Presidential Election After 57 Seasons

NEW YORK, NY — NBC has decided to pull the plug on The Presidential Election after a remarkable 57 seasons. The decision comes only days after the most recent presidential debate, which was met with record low ratings and a…

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Reports Show Genealogy Only Fun For White People

WESTWOOD —  A report out of the UCLA Historical Sciences Lab indicates genealogy might only be fun for white people. The study found that many family lineages across the globe have been destroyed by European explorers throughout history. Second-year political…

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Serial Nonflusher Strikes Again at LuValle Commons

WESTWOOD, CA — Multiple reports confirm that a serial non flusher —one who seeks gratification by purposefully rejecting the practice of flushing and eliciting discomfort and suffering in unsuspecting bathroom goers—has struck again at Lu Valle Commons. After countless reports of…

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COACHELLA NOT REAL!!!!1!

IMPORTANT: PLEASE READ To all patrons who did not go to Coachella, but saw photos and videos of friends at the event, you are being deceived. Coachella did not happen, nor has it ever happened. Coachella is a ritual sacrifice…

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Woman Sits through Haircut in Complete Silence

  LOS ANGELES — Yesterday, 24-year-old introvert Meredith Bowen made the decision that she wouldn’t succumb to the pressure to make small talk during her haircut. Instead, Bowen contently sat through her hair appointment in complete and utter silence, entirely…

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Friends Un-invite Group Member to Avoid Getting UberXL

WESTWOOD—Last Saturday, a group of five UCLA students set out for a night of drinks, headed to a bar in Venice. However, a problem arose when they realized they had five people in their party–one more than the amount permitted…

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Urban Outfitters Releases New “Fuck Capitalism” Line

PHILADELPHIA – Urban Outfitters has recently released a “Fuck Capitalism ” collection to more accurately cater to their demographic of “18-24-year-old binge drinkers whose parents have money.” Since Bernie has been gaining so much momentum among America’s hippest youth, socialism…

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Justin Bieber Can’t Get a Job After Getting Dreads

  LOS ANGELES — Justin Bieber shocked not only his fans after revealing his new hairdo on Monday, but also his employers. Island Records, his old recording label, was so taken aback that it has decided to drop the 22-year-old…

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E. Coli Still on Chipotle’s Secret Menu

CALIFORNIA — It has been over a month since the Center for Disease Control issued a statement declaring the E. Coli outbreak at Chipotle over; however, recent reports suggest that E. Coli may still be available on the Mexican fast-food…

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Spring’s Hottest Body Trend: The Neck Crevice

BEVERLY HILLS, CA — The thigh gap is dead, and the neck crevice killed it. Neck crevice is the hottest new body part craze. It’s the part of a woman’s body between the base of her neck and her collar…

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New UCLA Frat Discovered to Be Offshoot of Local Cult

WESTWOOD — UCLA recently added a new frat to the row, the little known Delta Iota Epsilon. This addition initially brought excitement to the student population, but that excitement may not continue, as Delta Iota Epsilon has recently been exposed…

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CAPS gets C+, Decides to Take Next Quarter Pass/No Pass

WESTWOOD, CA– In response to receiving a C+ from the University of California Student Association, UCLA Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPs) has decided to retake the evaluation in the Spring, but has opted to take it Pass/No Pass. “I just…

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Unemployed Analysts Track Lunch Trading Economy

ARKANSAS — As lunch-trading opened Monday morning following a volatile week, analysts were shocked as the latest reports showed the lunch-trading economy at Windsor Middle School, Arkansas collapsing. The lunch-trading economy, which consists of middle schoolers trading all or parts…

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Student Shunned for Drinking Decaf Coffee

WESTWOOD–Last week, Steve Lacey, a third-year english major, was shunned by his friends for drinking decaf coffee. Lacey defended his choice commenting, “I just like the taste.” Lacey has always been avid about his decaf coffee lifestyle. Lacey has never…

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Super Tuesday: Bernie Supporters Mistake Tweeting for Voting

WASHINGTON D.C. — Despite the mass quantities of Bernie merch purchased on Etsy, the explosion of viral Bernie memes, and “cool young” celebrity endorsements, Sanders somehow managed to only carry four states. Some preliminary research into this quandary showed that…

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Daily Bruin Congratulates Self Over Spotlight Oscar

WESTWOOD — On Sunday night, shortly after Spotlight, the movie about investigative journalism at the Boston Globe, won the Oscar for Best Picture, Daily Bruin staff held a celebratory party, patting themselves on the back for the award. The announcement…

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Obama Rumored to Nominate Trump for Supreme Court

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Despite facing an opposing Senate, President Obama has continued to fulfill his Constitutional responsibility of filling a vacant Supreme Court seat. At the top of this list is Donald Trump, a candidate for the Republican nomination. In response to…

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Checked Out Voter Thinks Larry David is Running

NEVADA – Nevada resident Kent Bradley was confused and taken aback this past Saturday after attempting to vote for Larry David in the Nevada Democratic Caucus only to find the two options on the ballot were Hillary Clinton and Bernie…

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UCLA Caught Inventing Sports to Increase NCAA Titles

WESTWOOD– UCLA was suspended from the National College Athletic Association this week after it was revealed in an expose by the Daily Bruin that some of their championship titles were actually from sports and activities that UCLA had invented. UCLA…

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Fat Sal’s to change Name to Obese Sal’s

WESTWOOD— The popular late-night food destination on Gayley, Fat Sal’s, announced that they will be changing their name to “Obese Sal’s”, after owner, Sal, was diagnosed with obesity. “We just wanted to be as accurate as possible with the name,”…

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Scalia Reunited With Father, the Devil

WASHINGTON D.C. — Justice Antonin Scalia was found dead at a resort Saturday. Although many Americans rejoiced upon hearing this news, no one was more excited than Scalia’s father, the devil. “Now that Antonin is back in Hell, the place…

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Couple Makes Their Relationship Disneyland Official

ANAHEIM, CA — Yesterday, in the spirit of Valentine’s Day, 133 couples posed for a picture in front of Sleeping Beauty’s Castle to make their relationship “Disneyland Official.” Ever since “Facebook Official” has been the silver standard in relationship authenticity,…

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Black History Month Declared FB Friend Cleanse Month

WASHINGTON D.C. — President Obama signed a bill this past Monday designating February as “National Facebook Friend Cleanse Month.” “Initially, a lot of people were concerned about this designation possibly taking away from Black History Month,” stated a source close…

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FDA Debuts “Realistic Expiration Dates”

WASHINGTON D.C. – The Food and Drug Administration released an updated list of expiration labels this week in an effort to provide more “consumer-friendly” labels to shoppers. The labels were made, in part, to help individuals realize when they actually…

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Daily Bruin Mistakes Mundane Event for News

WESTWOOD – UCLA’s award winning Daily Bruin newspaper has recently “screwed the pooch” as they say. Last Wednesday, they covered an event in their “News” section that was not actually news but a routine mundane happening. The article was a…

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Fluffer, An App Designed to Keep Him Honest

SILICON VALLEY, CA- It is the 21st century, and the dating world has changed. Apps such as Tinder, Bumble, and Words with Friends have made it easier than ever for anyone to mindlessly rummage through pictures of strangers like a…

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PC ’s Get New Politically Correct Autocorrect

PALO ALTO — In an attempt to make Windows hipper than Apple, Bill Gates has recently given his software a new politically correct autocorrect feature. This new feature is all the rage among college students. Carlos Cortez, a college senior, …

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Lyft and Uber Team up to Create Gameshow

LOS ANGELES – This week, popular television network, The CW, announced the launch of a new game show premiering in the spring titled UberWeird. The show will test how long passengers will stay in Uber/Lyft cars with drivers who are…

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Tinder for the Blind: App Removed on Account of Manipulation

Tinder, the match.com for normal millenials and the considerably older generation, has decided to diversify its market to include all non-asexual populations: namely, the blind. With the slogan, “it’s how people meet,” Tinder has perhaps taken things too far this…

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CIA Recruits Celebrities as Interrogators

FAIRFAX, VA — Inspired by the viral video of Sean Penn’s interview with El Chapo, as well as recent diplomacy between Dennis Rodman and Kim Jong Un, the CIA has decided to use celebrities as interrogators for terrorists. “Sean Penn’s…

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Hillary Clinton to Change Name to Martin Luther King, Jr. Jr.

WASHINGTON, D.C.– In an effort to maintain her popularity with Black voters, Clinton has decided to move forward with legally changing her name to Martin Luther King, Jr. Jr. “She’s been worried about Senator Sanders’ outreach to the Black community,”…

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No News: Ackerman is Having Another Poster Sale

WESTWOOD— Early this morning, local sources confirmed that ASUCLA is, in fact, having another poster sale. According to ASUCLA cashier, Jeff Grovers, the poster sale will continue to be in Bruin Plaza for the rest of the day as well…

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Trail Mix Without Raisins Sells Out Immediately

WHOLE FOODS MARKETS EVERYWHERE — Whole Foods announced this week that they would not be getting their new best-selling product, ‘Raisin-Free Trail Mix,’ back in stock for another two weeks. The product flew off shelves in mere hours after its…

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Jeb Bush Rushed to Hospital after Shooting Himself in Foot

MEREDITH, NH – On January 6, 2015, Governor Jeb Bush was scheduled to speak at the Church Landing in Meredith, New Hampshire. However, before he could take the stage of the “Governing Under the Influence Education Project,” Bush was rushed…

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Christmas Trees Demand Trial Before Execution

THE WOODS — For years, Christmas trees have been brutally cut down without any chance to defend themselves or plead their case, but finally the laws have changed. Evergreen Pine v. Montana is the biggest movement for plant rights since…

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Man Takes Wham! Song Literally, Regifts Human Heart

  LOS ANGELES—Matthew Kilmer, diagnosed with coronary heart disease, woke up Thursday morning to an exciting early Christmas present—a heart that could potentially save his life. The life-saving heart did not come from Santa Clause but instead from 27-year-old organ…

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Middle Seat Now “Roomy” for Triple Resident

WESTWOOD – After spending the past four months living in a triple dorm room on the Hill, first-year philosophy student, Sophie Loch, says she now feels prepared to sit in the middle seat on her plane back to New Jersey…

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Student Tries IPA, Decides to Open Brewery

LOS ANGELES – After drinking his first IPA at a UCLA Radio party fall quarter, first-year ethnomusicology student, Brad McLintoc, knew he had found his passion: brewing. McLintoc, 18, said up until that party, the only beer he’d ever consumed was…

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ASK Peer Counselors Shuts Down Despite Shocking Discovery

LOS ANGELES — In a school-wide email sent Monday morning, UCLA’s administration announced that the ASK Peer Counselor service would be discontinued at the end of fall quarter. “ASK Peer Counselors receive rigorous, costly training to prepare them to handle…

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Sneezing Number One Cause of Auto Accidents

LOS ANGELES – A study recently done by three extremely intelligent UCLA students found sneezing to be the number one cause of car accidents in the United States. The study was prompted by a surge in car accidents during cold…

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Waze Traffic Jams Trying to Ruin You?

LOS ANGELES – A study published last week asserted that Waze and Google Maps are actually causing traffic. So many users are driving with these apps that suggested shortcuts turn into severe traffic jams. While many have enjoyed the whimsy…

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Beat ‘SC Bonfire to Burn Leftover Daily Bruins

WESTWOOD – The UCLA Student Alumni Association announced earlier this week that they would be using copies of The Daily Bruin that were left unread on the shelves and abandoned around campus as kindling for the Beat ‘SC Bonfire. While…

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Facebook’s New “World is Crap” Profile Filter

MENLO PARK, CA – Yesterday, Mark Zuckerberg announced the creation of a new profile filter. Fed up with the controversy over the recent French flag filter, Zuckerberg declared that the new one would simply be brown. “When we made the…

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Royce Hall Deteriorating from Camera Flash

WESTWOOD– Earlier this week, scientists from the University of Southern California reported that Royce Hall is deteriorating. “The cause of this rapid detrition seems to be camera-flashes,” said Dr. Jim Smith, “we’ve never seen anything like it. We do most…

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Group Already Forming to Impeach Next President

NASHUA, NH–In light of recent election polls showing who the potential candidates for the next US President will be, a group of true American patriots have formed in the swing state of New Hampshire vowing to impeach whoever is elected. Not…

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Jim Webb Proclaims June National Jim Webb Awareness Month

BURKE, VIRGINIA— Late last month, Jim Webb met with a tight-knit group of Vietnam Veterans in a small bunker (built with his own two hands using American timber) in his backyard to discuss his performance during the Democratic debate.  The…

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Donald Trump Turns out to be a Series of Mirrors

COPENHAGEN— Cognitive scientists at the University of Copenhagen discovered over the weekend that the businessman-turned-basketball-turned-politician known as “Donald Trump” is actually just a series of strategically placed mirrors. This revelation came after a scientist noticed that whenever light shone on…

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Woman Dressed as Exhausted Nurse for Halloween

WESTWOOD – Saturday night, a girl attended a Halloween frat party as a realistically exhausted nurse. “I based my costume after the nurses I see walking around Ronald Reagan,” said party-goer, Daphne Sykes. “They get off their shifts when I’m…

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Second-Year Moves to Apartment, Becomes Adult

WESTWOOD— Yesterday, second-year undeclared student, Patrick Davnold, officially became an adult after unpacking the last garbage bag from his move out of “the hill” to “the apartments.” Davnold, who actually moved in six weeks ago, originally made the “responsible grown-up”…

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Sig Ep Not Sure What The Big Deal Is

WESTWOOD- After throwing the controversially themed “Kanye Western” party on Tuesday night, members of UCLA’s Sigma Phi Epsilon chapter have publicly apologized stating that they are “sorry that everyone took it as such a big fuckin’ deal.” “We wanted our…

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Texas Cop Not Racist, Just Scared of Black People

MCKINNEY, TX— After the release of a video depicting a police officer in McKinney, Texas pulling his gun on two unarmed boys and pinning an unarmed girl in a bikini to the ground, Police Chief Greg Conley explained that the…

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Dad Bod Fad Gives Dead Bod Fans Confidence to Speak Out

LOS ANGELES— Members of Zombies United say that the recent “dad bod” trend inspired them to publicly challenge the stigmas associated with “dead bod.” “We…just want…people…to…realize that…even though…we are…dead…we…still have…a lot…to…give,” said Gavin Mitchell, the 26-year-old secretary of the Southern California…

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Study Reveals Chef Boyardee a Powerful Aphrodisiac

AMSTERDAM— Scientists in Amsterdam studying the effect of Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get it On” on the pleasure centers of the brain made a shocking discovery during their lunch break last week. Many of the scientists found themselves sitting aroused around…

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UCLA to Charge for Inverted Fountain Access

WESTWOOD— Graduation season is nearly upon us, which means the coming of one of UCLA’s most time-honored traditions: touching the water in the inverted fountain. But unlike previous years,  graduates will now have to pay an extra price to participate….

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Seniors Already Feel Nostalgic for Campus Bureaucracy

WESTWOOD— On Tuesday, seniors felt an overwhelming sense of nostalgia after a majority of students were unable to secure tickets to their own commencement ceremony via the MyUCLA website. UCLA’s Technology Department teamed up with the university’s Red-Tape Department in…

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Universe Younger Than Thought, Born On Leap Day

GENEVA— Earlier this week, Swiss scientists briefly put down their chocolate and discovered that the universe is much younger than previously accepted by the scientific community. The team of scientists composed of Dink Flinkleman, Ridge Blurndersmidt, and Swift Mintinmoot, previously…

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USAC Announces 25 candidates, More People Running Than Voting

WESTWOOD— On Friday, the USAC Election Board announced 25 candidates running for 13 available USAC positions, statistically outnumbering the number of students voting. The voter turnout, predicted to be 12-13 people, has resulted in a shift in campaign strategies. Candidates…

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Sneezing Man Waits for Blessing That Never Comes

THOUSAND OAKS— Local man, John Nathan, sneezed last Wednesday at BeanScene Coffee Shop at the corner of Lindero and Kanan eliciting no response from fellow espresso aficionados. Nathan, who ordered a room temperature Iced Chai, took a pause from drinking…

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Student Finds Human Carcass in BPlate Salad

WESTWOOD— Following reports of students finding bugs, wire, and feathers in their dining hall food, second-year English student Kayla Gomez said it came as no shock to her when she found a human carcass in her Bruin Plate salad. She…

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ShopHouse Free Bowl Promotion Combats Employee Sadness

WESTWOOD— On Tuesday, ShopHouse Southeast Asian Kitchen offered a free “ShopHouse Bowl” to all UCLA students. This marked the fifth time this promotion was offered in the past six months, excluding all UCLA club and fraternity events. Despite offering copious…

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Spotify App Allows Users to Interrupt Songs With Kanye

NEW YORK— Spotify recently announced a new listening feature that allows users to interrupt their current song with one of Kanye West’s. User reactions have been startlingly positive, indicating just how much people enjoy being interrupted by the eloquent rap…

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Bruin Plate Ups Farro Usage to Curb Long Lines

WESTWOOD— UCLA dining representatives discussed various student complaints sent in during the previous quarter on Monday. Although complaints about Covel’s continued existence were expected, many targeted the university’s newest dining hall: Bruin Plate. Most complaints were directed towards Bruin Plate’s…

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Meninists Petition to Stop Burning Man

LOS ANGELES— Arguing that Burning Man is a malicious act of misandry, local men’s rights activists have petitioned to stop the festival from taking place. These activists, who refer to themselves as meninists, call the festival a blatant display of…

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Grey’s Anatomy Saves Woman, Sort Of

HOLLYWOOD— At approximately 2:00 p.m. today,  26-year-old In-N-Out cashier Lisa Marcel reportedly fainted in front of Grey’s Anatomy’s hit cast on their way to lunch. Noticing Marcel’s state, the many glamorous doctors stepped forward. Chief Surgeon, Derek Shepherd, examined Marcel’s…

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Man Expects Approval of Black Friend After Watching Selma

BAKERSFIELD, CA–Roger Gordleman laced up his bowling shoes with an extra pep in his step last night. He had some exciting news to share with his adult league teammates at Dale’s Leisure Lanes. “I saw ‘Selma’ over the weekend,”Gordleman said,…

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Partygoer Arrives on Time, Forced to Help Set up

LOS ANGELES— First-year anthropology student Cristian Holton unwittingly found himself drafted onto the set-up crew for UCLA’s Model United Nations party after arriving on time. Holton said he arrived at the party at 8:30 p.m., the time the Facebook event…

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Obituary – Boba Loca Declared Dead Today

WESTWOOD— After many years as the sole vendor of Boba* in Westwood Village, the businesses known as Boba Loca passed away early this morning. Past patrons gathered in Westwood to share their memories of the place. “Where are people going to…

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Whole Foods Introduces 100 Percent Natural Ice

WESTWOOD— Whole Foods Market CEO, John Mackey, announced plans yesterday to introduce 100 percent Natural Ice in key university locations as part of a new initiative to attract more health-conscious fraternity youth. “100 percent Natty Ice is a huge improvement…

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Islamic State Masters Yet Another Medieval-Era Execution Style

SOMEWHERE IN SYRIA— Islamic State’s most recent video proved to the world yesterday that the group does in fact know more than one old-fashioned way of killing people. “Obviously, decapitation isn’t the only method we know of brutally murdering someone,” IS…

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Study: Sneezing Into Shirt Teleports Germs to Parallel Universe

ATLANTA— Researchers at the Center for Disease Control and Prevention confirmed yesterday that sneezing into one’s shirt teleports germs into a parallel universe. This revelation came after months of intense and exhaustive sneeze-mechanics experimentation. It is expected that later this…

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Academy to Hold Separate-But-Equal Oscar Ceremony

LOS ANGELES— Following public outcry over the lack of diversity among this year’s Academy Award nominees, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has announced plans to hold a separate-but-equal Oscars ceremony. “It’s not our fault that all of the…

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Dad Still Hoping For Son’s Invite to Concert

LOS ANGELES— Self-described “cool dad” Stephen Burke is desperately clinging to the hope that his son Cole is still planning on inviting him along to a Neutral Milk Hotel concert. For the past couple weeks, Stephen has found himself unable…

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UCLA Applicants More Perfecter Than Ever, UCLA Says

LOS ANGELES— Next year’s freshman class will be the most intelligent, most attractive, and most talented in UCLA’s history, the Office of Undergraduate Admissions announced recently. Maria Lopetsky, Director of Undergraduate Admissions, acknowledged that her staff always praises applicants, but maintained…

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NBC Orders New Cosby Pilot

LOS ANGELES— Comedian Bill Cosby is ready for a consensual partnership. Executives at NBC have been in contractual talks with Cosby for quite some time, as the two parties viewed pilot season as the pivotal opportunity to make that comeback…

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Gene Block Did It for the Yak

WESTWOOD— Some 8,000 subscribers to the UCLAyak Snapchat account were surprised on Wednesday to find a video featuring the pale, naked body of UCLA Chancellor Gene Block gallivanting around Bruinwalk. Started a little more than a week ago by a…

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Newly Knighted “Father of Viagra” Erects New Tradition

LONDON— Early last week, Queen Elizabeth knighted Dr. Simon Campbell, the “Father of Viagra,” for his contributions to British society. Though unconventional, the public knighting ceremony was well received, especially by the beaming Prince William and his wife, Kate Middleton, who…

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New Bullshitting Major to be Offered at UCLA

WESTWOOD— Chancellor Gene Block announced Wednesday that UCLA will offer a major in bullshitting to students beginning in Fall 2015. “Increasingly, students are graduating not with a holistic grasp of their field of study, but rather academic bullshitting skills and debt…

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UCLA Dorm Room Competition

WESTWOOD— The UCLA Housing Committee announced on Monday that Jill Little won the first annual Freshman Dorm Decoration Contest. “The main criteria we judged the rooms on was originality, and Jill’s room really exemplified that” said a member of the committee…

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Jews for Jesus Confused About How to Celebrate Christmas

WESTWOOD— The Los Angeles branch of Jews for Jesus has recently opened up about its confusion surrounding the Christian holiday of Christmas, which traditionally celebrates the birth of Jesus. “Of course we celebrate Hanukkah,” said director Benjamin Myer. “But as…

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US Reinstates Relations with Cuba

WASHINGTON, DC— After over a decade of conflict, the Obama administration has expressed its desire to reinstate US relations with Cuba, which were severed in 2002 after the release of “Snow Dogs.” “That movie was terrible. Like, really bad,” President…

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LAPD Begins Training Hundreds of Police in Film Editing

LOS ANGELES— A few hours ago, Charlie Beck, Chief of Police for the Los Angeles Police Department, announced a pilot program in which hundreds of police officers will be trained in film editing software and technique. “The program is designed…

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Man Takes Sip From Empty Cup, Exaggerates Gulp to Compensate

LOS ANGELES– Last Friday, infrequent partygoer and third-year comparative literature student Patrick Goldberger attended a party at the Sigma Phi Epsilon fraternity house, where he attempted to feign drinking from the same empty cup all night. Goldberger, who attended the…

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Mom Riding Amusement Park Tram Thinks She’s a Celebrity

ANAHEIM– After boarding the Disneyland tram on Friday, tourist Shelley Mason reportedly believed it was her job to entertain the other passengers onboard and wave to the lowly people walking by. “As soon as she stepped onto the tram, she…

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MTV Creates ‘16 and Pregnant’ Sequel ‘32 and Grandmother’

LOS ANGELES— MTV spokesperson Jilly Kline announced this Wednesday that the network would be creating a “16 and Pregnant” spin-off series called “32 and Grandmother.” The new show will be made up of hour-long, documentary-style episodes detailing the lives of…

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Los Angeles Police Announce Snapchat 911 Service

WESTWOOD— The LAPD announced its new Snapchat service which allows students to send in “snaps” as a replacement to the traditional 911 call. “By using a modern technology like Snapchat, we hope that we can broaden our reach and appeal…