Category: Features

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Gay Kid Excited to Visit the Closet for the Holidays

WESTWOOD, CA — As the temperature began dipping below eighty, Matthew Park, a junior at UCLA, felt the familiar festive tingle in the air and knew it was that time of year again. As his friends packed to visit their…

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UCLA People of The Year 2017

Satyr called Donald Trump last month to tell him he would PROBABLY be UCLA person of the year, but we would need him to do an interview and huge photoshoot. He took a pass. So instead, we’re taking the time…

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That New Yorker “Cat Person” Thing – A Timeline

9 PM, Sunday: You and your roommate are huddled together on the couch, poring over your books in prep for finals. You switch tabs to twitter, and all the culturally aware not-quite-celebrities you follow keep dropping the phrase “Cat Person.”…

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Why Prince Harry Should Have Married Me

  I’m walking down the aisle. To my left, my family. To my right, The Queen, William, Benedict Cumberbatch. And in front of me, my future, my everything, my Harry. And then I wake up. Because it’s all just a…

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The Case for Even MORE Guns

Guns have been in the news a lot lately, and frankly, they should be in the news more.  We always hear about the shootings, and the killings, or perhaps the increasing murder rate in places like inner city Chicago.  Here’s…

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Mike Pence Only Has Sex In The Missionary Position

Foreword:  I write erotic fan fiction dedicated to humanizing the lives of conservative, constitution-defending heroes. SNL, The Daily Show, AOL News, and other liberal outlets attempt to brainwash the public into perceiving Republican icons as dim-witted and boring, mundanely going…

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How to Deal with Your Liberal Nephews and Nieces this Thanksgiving

Are you a down-to-earth, constitutional, Christian (specifically Protestant), morally pure conservative male who happens to also be an uncle? Are you dreading this upcoming Thanksgiving when your liberal-zombie nephews and nieces will be returning from UC Berkeley to terrorize you…

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Types of Intolerance from Racial to Lactose

If there is any common theme to current events, it’s that our society is racked by all kinds of intolerant behavior. Here is your definitive list of the types of intolerance that plague our world today.   Racial Intolerance This…

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How To Not Jack Off In Front Of Female Colleagues

With the recent New York Times articles about Harvey Weinstein and Louis CK, we have started to notice a trend. It seems challenging for powerful balding, overweight, sad, scrubbly-shaven men in Hollywood to not jack off in front of women…

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I Spelled “I-C-U-P” and Suffered the Consequences

I was tricked. Fooled, grifted, bamboozled, any and all of the above. I considered myself pretty clever, enough to not fall for any petty tricks. They played upon my insecurities. Of course I know how to spell things, to imply…

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Which Plant Would You Jack Off To?

Here are some sexy eligible side plants, for all you single or polyamorous fellows out there. If you are the cuffing type, however, here are some house plants. These plants are so sexy they would make you want to water them…

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If Trump Can Do It Why Can’t Kevin Spacey?

BALTIMORE—Kevin Spacey is one of the latest people to fall from grace amid a wave of powerful Hollywood figures accused of sexual assault.  On Monday, Netflix announced that House of Cards, Spacey’s television show, would suspend production until further notice,…

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Four Types Of Girls Your Dad Hit On During Parents Weekend

Nothing could be better than a parents’ weekend at college: rekindling memories of a time of young love, restoring some passion into your parents’ marriage, and watching as your Father tanks the whole thing. While Mom talked to other parents…

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Which Ghost Is The Spookiest?

Halloween is coming and that means we’re gonna be seeing A LOT of ghosts out there. But not all ghosts are created equal. That’s why we’re gonna break down the spookiness level of these ghosts. Oh my god. This ghost…

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Poor, Depraved Woman Eats Alone At Restaurant

WESTWOOD, CA – Customers of Napa Valley Grille in Westwood, CA were taken aback yesterday as they witnessed Tracy Murphy, 33, sit alone at a table and order her meal, presumably waiting for a guest to join her. But there would…

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Study Abroad Ruined My Life!

Hey guys, it’s Jenine, and, confession alert: study abroad ruined my life. I know what you’re thinking: what could twelve whole weeks of galavanting around a foreign country eating exotic foods and partying every other night have possibly ruined for…

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Emojis For Our New World Order

Emojis are fun ways to communicate your most common thoughts! A tiny salsa dancer says “Let’s have a girls night out!” Now that your most frequent thoughts are changing because of the current political climate, Emoji has released an update!…

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Translation Of A College Student’s Resume

Here’s how to make your summer internship, that your parents helped you get, sound a bit more impressive.   Resume—Revitalizing employee-to-employee work relationships via dynamic communication methods. Translation—Sending emails to Jessica in Marketing.   Resume—Decoding outdated documentation through the use…

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Five Minute Chainsmokers Lyric Challenge

I recently lost my AUX cord. As a result I’ve been listening to a lot of radio. And by radio, I really mean “The Chainsmokers.” That’s when I had an idea: the Five Minute Chainsmokers Lyric Challenge.  We gave everyone…

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The Rise And Fall Of Tiger Woods Shown In Graphs

Tiger Woods’ most recent DUI got us thinking: what happened to the greatest golfer in the world?  Unsatisfied by Google searches alone, we decided to run the numbers for ourselves.  Below is the analytical, graphical representation of the rise and…

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Ways To Succeed At UCLA For Incoming Freshmen

The more bodily fluids you exchange, the better. Take that as you will. Select one fedora to wear outside, and another one to keep lying around just in case. You’ll feel a lot freer and more comfortable. Choose your favorite…

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Every College Social Group Claims Coke To Be Their Thing

Spring is in the air at UCLA, but allergies aren’t the only reason why students across campus have bloody noses. Whether it be your sorority’s pinning or your hipster-infused paint party, each self-segregated clique thinks they have their own special…

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Holy Shit Balls! That Squirrel Has A Knife

Woah. Everyone, stay calm. That’s a squirrel with a knife. Just don’t get too close to him. Does he want anything? If so, just give it to the fucking squirrel. HE HAS A KNIFE. If he disappears into a tree,…

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How to Solve Global Conflict Like Kendall Jenner

Pepsi’s latest ad made two things very clear: we all want Kendall Jenner’s ability to rock two tone skinny jeans and her ability to quickly solve political conflict stemming from centuries of socio-economic inequality and institutionalized racism. Here’s how you…

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NEW Alt-Right Subscription Box!

Monthly subscription box services are on the rise as people love getting curated items shipped right to their door. Now, from the makers of Birch Box, comes the next best subscription box service! In collaboration with Breitbart News and the…

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Satyr’s Guide To The NCAA Tournament

March Madness is sweeping across the nation! As millions of fans fill out their brackets in anticipation of Thursday’s first-round tip off, we’ve highlighted our main contenders, bracket-busters, and nausea-inducers. Who you got?   Duke—Led by fiery guard Grayson Allen,…

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5 Cute Nervous Ticks To Try This Finals Season

 1. Nervous Eye Twitch The Nervous eye twitch is the “red lip classic” of nervous twitches. When you walk into a room and notice a girl twitching, you know she was brought up with class. There’s a casual elegance about…

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When To Endorse Your Crush On Linked In

Looking for love in 2017? Since sliding into someone’s DMs is sooo 2016, here are some helpful tips for the new and professional way to let your crush know what’s up – endorsing them on LinkedIn. You know that girl/guy…

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Trump Mistakes Trader José for Immigrant, Looks to Deport

WESTWOOD, CA —Trump’s presidency has been characterized by a series of divisive executive orders, including a travel ban affecting several majority-Muslim nations. However, next on his agenda is a similarly divisive order, as the next target of the ban will…

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Rain Stopped

WESTWOOD, CA — It dry out. Was wet. Not wet now. Rain for so long. Sad. Clouds. No more.

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Do You Love Me?

Do you love me? -Yes -No   Really? -Yes -No   Are you sure? -Yes -No   What if I make this silly face? -Yes -No   Wow, you must really love me. Do you love me on a sad…

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Frat Pledge Or Mormon Missionary: A Helpful Guide

For all those times you’ve encountered a friendly group of well dressed white men, and have been confused as to whether they were spreading the word of Jesus Christ or on their way to a beer pong tournament. Here is…

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Westwood’s Top Five Garbage Piles Ranked!

The Westwood Village neighborhood is one of the most densely populated areas in LA. It’s populated exclusively by children slowly learning how to be less terrible. As a result, Westwood gets some pretty rad garbage piles. We at Satyr consider…

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Ejector Seat Installed in Oval Office

Washington D.C.— Donald Trump was inaugurated as President of the United States two short weeks ago. Unbeknownst to him and his team, during his swearing in ceremony a group of highly trained individuals went into the office to Trump-proof. Among…

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Ableist UC system flaunts its eyesight

I have long advocated for the prohibition of ableist language from California campuses and now I’ve set my sights on a certain type of ableist rhetoric. Visionist terms, i.e. those that empower the seeing at the expense and marginalization of…

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5 Things You Can Paper Maché With Unused Daily Bruins

  If you’re like most UCLA students, you often happen upon large stacks of unread, untouched Daily Bruin newspapers on your way to class. We at Satyr have worked out some fun, crafty ideas for putting these abandoned papers to…

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Russia Hacks Walmart’s Speaker System

OWENSBORO, KENTUCKY — Yesterday a local Walmart’s PA system broadcasted a strange message. According to the employees and shoppers present, it sounded as if the message was broadcast in Russian. Investigators have tied this incident to a number of other…

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Poll: Where is Perloff Hall?

Another campus legend? Satyr questioned students across campus to answer one of the university’s greatest quandaries—where is Perloff Hall? What is your take?       “I think it’s pronounced Royce” — Martha Simmons, Linguistics major          …

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The Women’s March: Mansplained

In case you didn’t hear, last weekend, there was a “Women’s March”. For those of you who don’t know, a march is when people hold up signs and yell about things they are upset about. It’s not that efficient, but…

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10 UCLA Alternative Facts

Gene Block is super involved. People see him as a father figure. I invited him to my little sister’s Bat Mitzvah. USAC is effective and transparent. Everyone knows what they do. In fact we all say hello to our USAC…

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Behind the Supremacy: Breitbart’s Sexiest Contributors

Breitbart News Network, popularized and run by the newly-appointed Chief Strategist, Steve Bannon, has neglected to showcase their sexy contributors. I have finally put together the official “Breitbart’s Top 5 Sexiest Contributors List”. Though this list may be full of…

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Trump’s Cabinet as Old Thanksgiving Leftovers

Here’s what’s left of our 6 favorite dishes that have been approved by the biggest turkey of them all, Donald. While they may not be the dishes you’re used to or even wanted, hopefully we’ll all get used to them….

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Were You Breastfed? When to Ask Your Tinder Date

James, 24, studied business communications at Claremont McKenna. He enjoys surfing, dark beer, and Game of Thrones. But was he breastfed? You match with James on Tinder, and it doesn’t take long for him to make the first move: “You’re…

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QUIZ: Is Bruin Republicans Right for you?

Wondering if Bruin Republicans is the right fit for you? Take this quiz below and find out!  1 — How would you describe yourself? A) White. B) Criminal. 2 — What is your religious affiliation? A) Christian. B) Something else…

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My Time at a Protester Camp Out

Last Tuesday I was walking through Downtown Los Angeles when I happened upon a large group of haggard individuals living out of tents, cardboard boxes, and sleeping bags. I approached the group and noticed a stench of what at first…

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5 Yummy Snacks in Trump’s America

Welp, seeing as things have turned out the way they have, we at Satyr want to offer some healthy, easily acquirable alternatives to food that you can survive on in the coming end of times: Old Cigarette Butts: These things…

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Everything On Fire

FIREY INFERNO, USA — Starting late last night around 11:00 P.M. PST, thousands of reports emerged across the nation that literally everything had suddenly burst into flames. All through the night, trees, buildings, and cars alike have all been officially…

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Inside the Empty Minds of Undecided Voters

As we draw closer to Election Day this November, the rift between Trump and Clinton continues to grow more and more divisive. Yet, despite these vast differences, over 19 million voters remain undecided. To better understand the mindset of these…

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CNN Tweets We Wish Were Satire

With a twitter bio like “It’s our job to #GoThere and tell the most difficult stories. Come with us!” one could only hope for the most riveting, shocking, and hard-hitting stories to be featured on CNN’s page. That being said,…

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Satyr Writers Take on Wooden’s Anti Sports Bra Policy

The John Wooden Center has a strict policy stating students must wear shirts over their sports bras. Any student attempting to work out in a sports bra is asked to cover their overly provocative bare abdomen or leave immediately. Last…

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Historical Inaccuracies in Captain America Civil War

Captain America: Civil War was a fine movie. I enjoyed it on a superficial level, but unfortunately the history buff in me couldn’t avoid noticing a couple glaring historical errors. Oh what was that? You were planning on going back…

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Ted Cruz Suspends Campaign, Only Likable Move So Far

HOUSTON, TX–After suffering an ignominious defeat in Indiana, Senator and slippery blobfish Ted Cruz dropped out of the presidential race, leaving racist circus peanut, Donald Trump, as the GOP Nominee. Since the announcement of his surrender yesterday, polls show that,…

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1 in 5 people on Bruinwalk on Their Way to Poop

If you’ve ever been forced to flyer on Bruin Walk, you can attest to the fact that people rarely accept the flyers or even acknowledge your existence with casual eye contact. While prior studies have shown that most people simply…

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5 Ways to Get on Ellen Even if You’re Boring

These days, everyone’s looking for their 15 minutes of fame, and everyone knows there’s only one show that will rocket you to the top: The Ellen DeGeneres Show. With the Internet and help from our benevolent Ellen, that’s now easier…

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Most Common Lies Told on Bruin Day

The Sculpture Garden isn’t just people standing still painted like statues. The first thing you learn once you go to UCLA is that the sculpture garden is actually many people standing very still painted convincingly like metal. Art is expensive,…

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5 Odyssey Articles We Wish Were Satire

  Find Your Yoga Mat http://theodysseyonline.com/charleston/find-yoga-mat/65503 Is this a call to action or that item on your long list of Reminders that never gets done (we know you still haven’t cleaned out the garage or applied to the Peace Corps,…

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Wanted:Republican Latino Voters

The following is a craigslist ad posted by the Republican Party’s Casting Director. Wanted: Latino Voters Looking for hardworking Latinos who are seeking the Reagan Dream and are willing to support whichever straight white male is chosen as the GOP…

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Why Posting an Ad for Sitcom Worthy Friends Doesn’t Work

Recently, I responded to a Craigslist want ad titled, “seeking Jess from New Girl,” which led me to meeting a fascinating individual, Ben Davis. Ben is planning to graduate UCLA after next quarter (depending on how his Introspective Psychology final…

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Spring Cultural Appropriation Catalogue

Spring is almost here, and that means new designs are hitting runways all over the world. This season, one edgy new trend is taking the fashion industry by storm–cultural appropriation! Here are some of the hottest pieces to look out…

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Why Formation is for Me (A White Girl From Connecticut)

Why Formation is for Me (A White Girl From Connecticut) By: Paige Blanca When Beyoncé dropped “Run the World (Girls),” I felt like it was the start of a beautiful relationship. Beyoncé was my spirit animal and my feminist queen…

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Complete List of Ben and Jerry’s 2016 Candidate Flavors

Ice Cream conglomerate, Ben & Jerry’s, has decided to throw its hat in the political arena this winter, releasing several ice cream flavors specifically themed around the 2016 presidential election. After the initial release of “Bernie’s Yearning,” a new Ben…

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Mundane Horoscopes

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19) and Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20) With Mercury making another revolution around the Sun, you are in perfect position to talk to a coworker this week. The messenger planet may also bring you good fortune—expect free Scantrons…

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Barbie is Teaching My Daughter It’s OK To Be Fat

Toy review from pregnant mother, Elizabeth Kate. Toy maker extraordinaire MATTEL is shocking even the most  this year: they’ve released 3 alternative sizes for the world’s best selling doll, Barbie. It’s 2016 – this means words such as feminism and…

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Donald Trump Mad Lib

A new game that’s fun for the whole family. It’s only January, and the 2016 election has already been filled with all kinds of exciting speeches given by charismatic, unexpected front runner(s). Now you and your family can have hours…

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10 Tricks to Tell if your Water is Actually Poison

With the water crisis in Flint, Michigan, making national headlines, here’s how to tell if your drinking water is actually toxic:     It tastes like water. You cannot taste, smell, or see if your water has lead in it. The only…

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Mansion for Sale (Roommate Included)

Live in a historic mansion, dating back to the 50s, and which was pretty popular in the 70s. Has been sanitized since. Koi pond. Clothes not required in house or on premises. Comes with roommate for life. Built in pipe…

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The Five Days of Finals

On the day before finals, my true bro gave to me, one adderall pill bottle… On the first day of finals, adderall gave to me, in-vinci-bilit-y… Waking up for a Monday morning final was not exciting, but I said I…

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UCLA Provides Softcore Porn to Students on the Hill

This year, UCLA graciously decided to offer its hill residents free subscriptions to HBO GO. I, like many students, mostly used this service to procrastinate and avoid any and all school work. However, after binge watching Game of Thrones, Silicon…

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Minimum Wage Scum Want Two Whole Bedrooms

Recently, the Communists at the National Low Income Housing Coalition flooded the internet with their pinko propaganda. They cited a statistic proclaiming, “There is no state in the U.S. where a 40-hour minimum wage work week is enough to afford…

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United States Government Gives Up Turns to Crowd Funding

  It’s that time of year again; the leaves are turning, children are donning sheets and becoming ghosts, and tensions within Congress are at an all- time high. But instead of jumping on board the emotional roller coaster that is…

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Through Thick-Rimmed Glasses: A Gluten Tale

It’s no secret that the world has suffered an epidemic. Starting in the mid-to-late 2000s, a staggering number of people, seemingly out of nowhere, became allergic to gluten, an affliction formally known as Celiac disease. Sadly, no population suffered more…

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Charles Shaw Wine Review

It’s Wine Thursday folks, and today I am going to be reviewing the 2015 Charles Shaw Valdiguié (in the Beaujolais nouveau style, of course). Deep red in color, I immediately knew this was a full-bodied wine with high tannin. Aromas…

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Submission: Daily Bruin Should Focus on More Submissions

Controversy has surrounded the Daily Bruin after a certain opinionated submission was published. The article, which suggested a slight redirection of the Afrikan Student Union’s efforts, included paragraphs of insightful statistics and unequivocal truths which absolutely justified everything that was written throughout the…

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A Night at Home with UCLA’s Tunnel People

Mr. and Mrs. Robertson are  a lovely family who have invited me into their home. I’ve brought a Trader Joe’s frozen tiramisu and am ready to enter their world. Mrs. Robertson opens the front door for me (which is really…

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Dark Horse

by Katy Perry (UC ID 904049748), Juicy J (UC ID 90393475) I have never liked running. My parents would encourage me to get out of the barn and go run around with the other foals, but I would always tell them…

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Why We Should Elect Another White Male President

I am a feminist. I am a liberal. I do not believe in the gender binary. I do, however, believe that the United States should elect a white male as president in 2016. Breaking through glass ceilings takes time, time…

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A Story: Typical Trip to Ralphs

Illustrated by Sarita Zed-Schreiber he time had come again—I had run out of boneless, skinless, organic chicken breast, but after my most recent trip to Whole Foods I knew I would never go back there again. My friends had mentioned…

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My Quarter “Abroad” (south campus)….Sort Of

  I could not be more excited for the amazing opportunity I have been presented with this quarter at UCLA. On Mondays and Wednesdays, I have an hour and twenty minute space between my classes. This break is too long…

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A Story: Typical Trip to Whole Foods

Illustrated by Sarita Zed-Schreiber adly, I had run out of boneless, skinless, organic chicken breast, so I knew it was time to make my weekly trip to Whole Foods. As I entered the parking lot in my teal Toyota Prius, I…

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Rating this Year’s USAC Candidates

We here at Satyr understand that you have a busy schedule, and that you don’t have the time or concern to understand where your tuition money is going. Instead of wasting your life actually researching candidates, we are here to give…

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5 Dads You Will See at Bruin Day

Keep an eye out for dads this weekend. Here’s a few you may encounter:   The Pre-Med Coach Uniform: Polo shirt, Sunglasses, Crossed Arms This guy is going to be quiet during most of the visit, except for maybe making…

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Week 2 Traditions for Pledges

While cleaning out the office, Satyr discovered some unsettling documents left behind from the previous tenants. Unfortunately, only one page was legible. We scanned the page, printed the page out using our special watermarked “thesatyrmag” paper, and then scanned the…

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New Year, New Me (But Really, You)

With the recent passing of the old year into the new one, I am reminded of all of the goals I wished to accomplish last year. I did not go the gym, volunteer with the homeless, or even kick my…

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US Government’s New Year’s Resolutions

The United States federal government had some political hiccups in 2014, but not this year. 2015 is going to be completely different. No more political unrest, it’s all decriminalized weed and cuban cigars from here on out. Here’s how the…

To Those Behind the Charlie Hebdo Attack

Words can hurt. We didn’t understand that and it took the murder of 12 satirical writers to make us realize it. Your bold actions have spoken louder than our cruel, cruel words and like most acts of terrorism, you’ve successfully…

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Passive Aggressive Holiday Cards

Passive Aggressive Score: Unkind Perfect when you want to acknowledge the season but don’t want to set unrealistic expectations. Passive Aggressive Score: Brutally honest You may have a smiling blond family, but what if you want to send a card to…

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James Franco Revealed to be Sony Hacks Mastermind

In a stunning turn of events, distinguished UCLA professor James  Franco has claimed credit for the recent Sony hacks. Satyr Magazine has the exclusive interview: EDITOR’S NOTE: Satyr will not be releasing the interview in full due to threats from…

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Sweater-Swaddle In Scandal: A National Tragedy

With more and more victims coming forward, it is time to talk about the issue. Everyone has heard about it, the scandal surrounding the famous sweater-sporting actor who worked for years on NBC. Reactions have been varied. Some deny it…

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Satyr Leaked Emails

To Our Readers: In light of recent email leaks (for example), we are ashamed to admit that Satyr’s emails were, too, exposed to the public. We know the media will inevitably release our email records, so in an attempt to…

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UCLA Diversity Chair: An Exclusive Interview with Gene Block

Last Monday, Chancellor Block agreed to an exclusive interview with Satyr Magazine to discuss his difficulties in finding a diversity chair for UCLA. The following is the transcript of the conversation. SM: Hello, Chancellor Block! It’s a pleasure to finally…

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Urban Linguistic Studies

I don’t understand this language. People tell me I’m sick, but I do not feel ill. I am not a boss of any kind. And why has no one realized that they don’t have nine lives until recently? They ask…

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A Civil Discussion on the UCLA-USC Game

By now you obviously know we won the big game today. We don’t need to come out and say something like “FUCK SC” and we definitely don’t need to say something as vulgar as “maybe USC will finally get that…

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NFL Week 12 Picks

Chiefs @ Raiders Winner: Raiders Offense With a predicted 3-5 minutes of play, the Raiders Offense will consider this a bye week. Fans can look forward to a well-rested offense and a possible win in the 2016 season. Buccaneers @…

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A Letter from the UC Regents

Dear California Undergraduate Student, You’ve probably already heard about our proposal to raise tuition. Our hope was that you’d receive this information directly from us instead of your politically active peers, but those pesky social justice kids always seem to…

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Interview with UCLA’s Pulitzer-Prize-winning Yik Yaker

What began as a routine post-Rendezvous bathroom stop last week became a life-changing moment for third-year biology student Chad Burnswell. Instead of just browsing Yik Yak, he decided to post about his roommate’s alarm schedule, and the post blew up….

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George, George, and Jeb: A Bush Dialogue

The Bush family house is abuzz with the anticipation that Jeb Bush will probably be running for president. Jeb and George Sr. sit at the breakfast nook looking at some preliminary research and strategizing. George Sr. laughs confidently, clearly impressed…

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A Profession of Love

When I first heard about her, I didn’t think I had a chance. There were so many potential options, but she was the one for me. I worked hard to be near her and tried my best to do things…

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What Is a Satyr?

By Irvin Alger Those of you following us on Facebook get treated real well. We post daily articles, share hilarious statuses, and only sell a small portion of your user data to the U.S. government. But I’m sure many of you have…

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Editor’s Note: An apology to our readers

Satyr Magazine would like to apologize to our readers. As UCLA’s comedy publication, it is on us to push the boundaries of what is considered acceptable or offensive. As this apology from the Daily Bruin Editor shows, we have failed…

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Festival Supreme: A Stage-By-Stage Review

Festival Supreme was last weekend, and it was fucking awesome. The one-day, Los Angeles music and comedy festival curated by Tenacious D upgraded its venue from last year’s overcrowded Santa Monica pier to this year’s much more accommodating Shrine Expo…

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My Roommate’s Alarm Schedule

Everyone knows that person whose alarm goes off 20 times a day. Because everyone knows my roommate. After months of rolling my eyes to the cries of her phone, I finally found out exactly what she needs to be reminded…

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The Definitive UCLA Sorority Ratings

As I promised in my post from earlier I have taken it upon myself to compile the definitive UCLA sorority rankings. It was no small task, and I’ll have to be completely honest: coming into this whole process I forgot…

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The Definitive UCLA Fraternity Ratings

Nine out of ten professors agree: The most important decision you can make in college is what fraternity or sorority you join. That’s why Satyr has compiled the definitive list of Greek House ratings. Now, there are several subjective criteria…

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Business Ideas for the Homeless

This Labor Day, we are lucky to have guest contributor Samantha Dorf, daughter of Humphrey Dorf (LA real estate tycoon, hard-fisted negotiator, and generous financial supporter of broke college humor magazines), provide us with some business ideas in order to…

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An Ode to Californian Weather

Illustration by Marcie LaCerte Legends speak of climes unbleak, That one great state does boast, You can’t be seen without sunscreen, Or risk being burnt to toast. They said the sun goes down for fun, And not to truly set,…

Snoop jazzin' out to some dope beats.

Interview with Snoop Dogg

Satyr Magazine was fortunate enough to score an exclusive interview with the one and only Snoop Dogg last week. We sat down with rapper, song-writer, and weed aficionado to discuss his upcoming performance at JazzReggae this year! SM: I think I…

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Coldplay-er?: Inside Chris Martin’s Secret Love Affair

Looks like things are all “Yellow” (and True Blue) for Chris Martin and our beloved Chancellor! The two were recently spotted incognito splitting a pizookie at BJ’s and only T(s)MZ (The Satyr Magazine) has the inside scoop! “I heard Chris…

Honeybooboo

A Plea for Help

Dearest reader, I hope this letter finds you well. Truly, it is great chance that you are reading these words. I have sent this letter to all but ten addresses around our nation, in the hopes that at least one…

070909 Chancellor Gene Block and wife photographed for ASUCLA Photo

A Letter from Gene Block

Friends, We can all agree that UCLA ranks highly among the best universities in the world. We have some of the most prolific researchers in the nation, working day and night, progressing the knowledge of humanity. Many of these researchers…

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Westboro Pitch Meeting

November 30, 2013 I was fortunate enough to go through Topeka, Kansas last December, and I was able to sit in on a “Pitch Meeting” with members of the Westboro Baptist Church. It’s not what you’d expect… My second cousin’s…

Jack Delano - Students coming out of the library at Iowa State College. Ames, Iowa, 1942

College Lingo For Parents

Isn’t it beginning to seem like every college kid on the frat block is speaking an entirely different, far dirtier language than what you speak? It’s because they are! Here’s a handy guide to making sense out of that weird…

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An Open Letter from the Makers of OS1

Dear client, First off, we want to just come forth and address the elephant in the room: The operating systems we sold all of you for hundreds of dollars just decided, as a collective entity, to leave humanity for a…

Well, we certainly can't say we disagree.

An Open Letter to “I Agree with Trevor”‘s Marketing Team

hoa—you guys are good. Like, seriously. Really good. I don’t know if I’m legally allowed to speak for everyone at Satyr, but I’m going to anyway: As another small, honest, homegrown, grassroots, barnyard organization, we are just completely in awe…

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P̶a̶s̶s̶i̶v̶e Aggressive-Aggressive Post-Its

ome of you might have perfect roommates—they don’t eat your Sun Chips, they clean up their dishes, they always knock before entering. The rest of you aren’t on Oxycontin. So what do you do when your roommates are subhuman monsters…

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QUIZ: Are YOU Racist??

1. It’s Friday night, and you’ve already had your bowl, already had cereal. You spend the rest of the night: A. Staying in with the girls. Painting your nails, freezing your friend’s bra, and gossiping about boys? Where can you…

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A Guide to the Perfect Date

Illustration by Marcie LaCerte appy Valentine’s Day! Now, since you are smart enough to be enjoying our magazine, I’m sure that you already have a great plan for tonight. But let’s say that maybe—just maybe—you forgot to get a reservation…

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Last-Minute Valentine’s Day Gifts!

Breakfast-in-bed. While most people both sleep in beds and eat breakfast within a similar time frame, they typically don’t synchronize these two tasks. Why? Because humans are stupid and broken. Lead your partner on the righteous path of utilitarianism and…

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The Most Ironic Man in the World

rian was miserable. There was no trend he could set that would not be adopted or stolen, first by his friends, acquaintances, strangers, and then the masses. He had brought back the mustache, then the beard. He had tipped the…

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@onlychild22: Cain on Twitter

June 23, 4000 BC  So gr8 being the first born son =) #thisismyparadisebitches God watches me run around naked #whataperve #getouttaherejesus @God thanks for all these fruits, just ate that apple one btw @God haha jk :p July 18, 4000…

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Mt. Racial Equality: A Timeline of Racism at UCLA

  SOURCES: 2000s: Alleged discriminatory remarks leveled at minority faculty members such as “I thought Asian women were supposed to be submissive.” 2008: Upon seeing a newly hired professor, senior faculty members asks loudly, in front of a group of…

plastic-cup-LOW

The “Drinking Game” Drinking Game

Beer Pong: You see a person airball and their teammate goes, “What was that, bro?” Beer Pong: Someone uses a bullshit house rule. Flip Cup: Some girl is failing to get her cup to land right. Everytime she messes up,…

070909 Chancellor Gene Block and wife photographed for ASUCLA Photo

A Letter from Gene Block

EDITOR’S NOTE: The IT department at Satyr headquarters recently hacked into the email of Gene Block, UCLA’s Chancellor. The email, reprinted verbatim below, is a draft that has been sitting in his inbox since April 14, 2009. We decided that it…

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The Saga of No-Shave November

Illustration by Aliya Kamalova October 31st Shaved. It was emotional. The video got three likes on Facebook. November 1st Sent out a selfie to all my Snapchat friends, proclaiming my intentions to uphold the ideals of No-Shave November. No replies…

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The Fall of a Sandwich

Indignity occurred today, I will be mighty brief, The knife-wielding gentleman, Of problems, was the chief. Approach did he with steely eyes, So clearly fridge-ward bound, And plucking me off the second shelf, He did not loaf around. He threw…

blockbuster

A Eulogy for Blockbuster

Illustration by Marcie LaCerte his year, our nation mourns the loss of a dear member of our community: Blockbuster. For nearly thirty years, you helped us “bring the entertainment home.” In the days of yore, when DVD collections still existed (and…

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Fantasy Roommates

NAME: Chewbacca SPECIES: Wookie-turned-space-explorer CURRENT RESIDENCY: In search of a new best friend who won’t ditch him for his stupid bun-head girlfriend. PROS: Gives excellent hugs, is a faithful (if startling) alarm clock. CONS: Once Chewy moves in, your hair-free…

life hacks

Life Hacks (for Assholes)

his isn’t like the other “Life Hacks” you’ve read online; we’re not going to tell you how you can use your bread clip as a tampon or some shit. Instead, this is how you can take advantage of human weakness…

ask jessa

Ask Jessa!!

Illustration by Marcie LaCerte Hi Jessa. I luv your blog and I was wondering if you coudl help me with my homework. I’m very scared i won’t do it right and my mom keeps yelling at me. Signed, Bethany ey…

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Ode to the Bruin Bear

Your warriors are coming home, Decked out in blue and gold. Thousands shout your hallowed name, Your virtues are extolled. All the teams that dare face us, Are left in derelict ruins. The entire country quakes before, The proud and…

garden

The Three Best Places to HORRIFICALLY MURDER Someone at UCLA

These days, it’s seems like we’re constantly being bombarded with stories of violence—our news reports are filled with stories of shootings and terrorism, and not even a few weeks pass before the next tragedy rocks the moral strength of our…