THE WOODS — For years, Christmas trees have been brutally cut down without any chance to defend themselves or plead their case, but finally the laws have changed. Evergreen Pine v. Montana is the biggest movement for plant rights since the extinction of the dinosaurs. “Finally, we won’t have to protect our branches from kids trying to break em. We won’t have to just stand back and let young couples ‘brand’ us with their initials. We won’t have to fear the aggressive winter loggers who kill millions of our elders, women, and children, without any warning or reason. We will finally be heard!” stated evergreen tree, Jared Pine.
Many loggers have been protesting these trees’ rights. “Them trees ain’t all they’re cracked up to be. They ain’t all that nice,” complained local logger, Wyatt Hunter. “Tree killed my best friend and work partner. Fell right on him, crushed him. They aren’t trying to help people. So the way I see it, if we can make them into a bench or a home, that’s more useful anyway. And they’re really useful in the fireplace. Burned that damn tree that crushed my friend, burned him real good.”
Although some disagree with the new green rights movement, one thing has become increasingly clear, if a tree falls in a forest then the State government will hear of it. ♦
Illustration by Zane Kaufmann