With a twitter bio like “It’s our job to #GoThere and tell the most difficult stories. Come with us!” one could only hope for the most riveting, shocking, and hard-hitting stories to be featured on CNN’s page. That being said, here is a brief vignette of the Cable “News” Network’s most newsworthy headlines. Let’s #GoThere.
“Plans to name polar research vessel ‘Boaty McBoatface’ have been sunk by British officials”
It gives me a lot of joy imagining the happiness that pun brought to its writer.
“John Kasich went to New York and ate pizza with a fork”
Breaking news!! No wonder he dropped out after this roast from CNN.
“Is college worth it? @GoldmanSachs says maybe not”
Shout out to CNN for perfectly aligning this article with finals week at UCLA. Highly motivational. 10/10.
“Sorry, Bruiser fans. Reese Witherspoon’s dog from ‘Legally Blonde’ has died”
Another quick shout out to timing here as this was tweeted right in the middle of the Trump rally protests in Chicago, but, you know, this is important, too.
“Spider causes man to trash flat, scream death threats — police called”
The amount of money I would give to have been the police officer who answered that call. Thank God CNN reported this hard hitting news, good to know we are safe from the crazed and murderous spiders.
“Planning a North Korea trip? Don’t, says the State Department”
Ugh, damn, better come up with some new summer plans. Next are they gonna tell me that my upcoming trip to Guantanomo Bay isn’t a good idea either? Sheesh.
“If you’re a mosquito and you value your life, stay away from Fort Myers, Florida”
Shouldn’t everyone just stay away from Fort Myers, Florida, regardless of if you’re a mosquito who values your life or not? And for all the mosquito readers out there, we hope this was helpful.
“Is this the world’s best dressed squeegee man?”
Featuring a man washing the window of a car in his best suit, CNN may have, in fact, found the best dressed squeegee man. Although, no one can be sure how stiff that competition was or why CNN was so invested in it.
“This is the story of a shark who became quite attached — to a woman’s arm”
Honestly, that woman was probably quite attached to her arm, too, before a F***ING shark F***ING bit it???