IMPORTANT: PLEASE READ
To all patrons who did not go to Coachella, but saw photos and videos of friends at the event, you are being deceived. Coachella did not happen, nor has it ever happened. Coachella is a ritual sacrifice organized by the US Department in order to cull the population of young American boys and girls. COACHELLA is supposedly held in INDIO. INDIO IS NOT AN ACTUAL LOCATION. If you are not already convinced, continue reading.
Ever attempt to purchase Coachella tickets and not make it in time? Consider yourself lucky. The Coachella ticket purchasing portal does not dispense tickets whatsoever. In fact, the website activates your webcam, in the short span of mere moments, the Coachella facial recognition software determines whether or not you are an appropriate candidate for reproduction. If you do not meet the standards of the US Dept. you are allowed past the waiting room and allowed to purchase the ticket TO YOUR DEMISE.
Not enough proof? In addition to TinKan West, Chevy Impala and Killer Mickey, Presidential candidate “Bernard Sanders” supposedly made an appearance at the slaughter. Everyone knows that “Bernard Sanders” was created by Twitter, a subsidiary of Coachella, in order to increase hashtaging and marijuana consumption.
And here is where I might be losing you. I’m sure that you have met people who have returned from the Coachella Valley. That is because the organizers are no dummies. They would be immediately caught if they were to cull every single attendee. This is why they only kill every TENTH attendee in the age old style of decimation. Yes, your friends Matt and Irene made a safe return, but what about Unity? The girl that sold them ecstasy while twirling glow sticks? She did not make it back to her home/van in Santa Cruz, California.
Do not be deceived. Keep your eyes open. COACHELLA shares 9 letters with COCKROACH HELL.
Article Submitted by: Crazy Uncle
Illustration by: Claire Couch