YOUNG RESEARCH LIBRARY— In what will undoubtedly go down as one of the most impressive acts of procrastination in history, fourth-year sociology student, Ted Dunkel, completed an entire cross-continental road trip using Google Street View yesterday.
One week prior, Dunkel entered the Young Research Library to start a 15-page paper about the novel, “On the Road”, that was due the next day.
“Before I started my paper, I Google Street Viewed the route my ex-girlfriend from high school and I took to our favorite place to make out in my Jeep” said Dunkel.
“Then I popped a couple of Adderalls my buddy gave me, and the next thing I knew, I had traveled 300 miles on Route 66.”
He continued, “ I hadn’t read the book yet, but the one time I went to lecture the professor said that it was about a dude who took a lot of drugs, drove across the country, and banged some sad, skinny girls. And I thought ‘hey that sounds like something I could do’.”
On January 28, hundreds of student’s gathered around Dunkels fifth floor cubicle, to watch as he came to the end of his virtual road trip. All the members of Dunkel’s fraternity, SAE were present.
During the trip they supplied Dunkel with Adderall, Red Bull, and clean changes of frat tanks.
Even his English professor was there during the final moments.
“I am blown away by Dunkel’s dedication to not doing the essay I assigned. In all my years teaching at UCLA, I have never seen such an amazing act of procrastination. He has captured the essence of Kerouac’s novel better than any of my other students. He only attended one lecture this quarter, but he will be receiving an A in the class”.
At 7:27 p.m. on January 28, Dunkel clicked his way into New York, marking the end of his trip. His fraternity brothers embraced him, shouting a mix of congratulations and “no homo.”
He was handed a Keystone Light that he immediately shotgunned and then he collapsed on the ground. ♦