Communal Shower Hairball Gains Sentience, Challenges Gene Block for Chancellor’s Seat

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WESTWOOD, CA – On Monday evening, the chancellor of University of California, Los Angeles was draped upon his Iron Throne, listening to the rain pitter-patter outside and enjoying a piping hot banana purloined from a recent raid of the Study at Hedrick™. A sudden flash of white extinguished every light around the Block, and in the chaotic darkness he thought he heard a small voice whisper: “The Hairball of Rieber 7 North sends its regards.”

The Hairball has indeed come for Chancellor Gene D. Block’s wig. The following day he declared his intent to run for chancellorship of America’s number one public university.

“I’m Harry Ball, and I believe that this university is long overdue for some major overhauls. My primary goal upon becoming chancellor is to improve UCLA’s infrastructure. Charles E. Young Drive will be converted into a giant conveyor belt to make North Campus more accessible. South Campus buildings will undergo heavy reconstruction so that students may find their classrooms without having to pack three days’ worth of rations. Bunche Hall will be completely demolished because it is hair-raisingly ugly and a detriment to our spiritual well being.”

Harry Ball focuses on using his humble beginnings to amass his growing fanbase.

“I literally came from the gutter,” says Ball in an exclusive interview with Satyr. “from the gutter of a classic residence hall. Now, I don’t have the highfalutin biology background that Blockhead does, so all I know is that some atoms interacted, there was an act of God—yes, my elephantine voters, I agree with you, there is a God!—and there I was, fully aware of my small but mighty self. Let me say this: I know that I am an invertebrate, but unlike my political opponent, I do not lack a spine.”

Chancellor Gene Block has already publicly explained many times that he does not feel threatened by Ball’s belligerent accusations.

“Look, we’re not political opponents, alright? You have to be appointed chancellor. There isn’t much public participation involved. I must admire Harry Ball’s ambition and confidence, because, given his lack of credentials, his ego is even more overinflated than that of a freshman computer science majors.”

 

Illustrated by Colin Tandy.

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