Westwood, CA — In one fell swoop, the residents of The Hill saw the implosion of life as they knew it. UCLA Dining had challenged themselves with unpronounceable grains at BPlate and exotic yet underwhelming flavors at Feast—now they were about to unveil the zaniest, most reckless decision they have ever made: changing the menu at Covel.
The madness began at seven in the morning, when the first yawning students entered the doors of Covel Dining Hall and found that their beloved scrambled eggs had been replaced with mini quiches. The line started wrapping around the tables as the dazed diners stared, drooling, at the golden circles before them. One student asked the server why the eggs were “so geometric” that morning. When informed by staff that she was indeed serving herself a quiche, the student made an abrupt leap to the jar of forks and began violently mashing her tart into an eggy and abstract abomination. Once all semblance of symmetry was gone, the student wiped away the foam at her mouth and seated herself in a more typical zombie-like fashion.
Similar incidents occurred at other stations. Though waffles and french toast were still being served, the usual berry topping had been replaced with a drizzle bottle of Nutella. Most students maintained a safe distance away from the hazelnut spread, but one intrepid second year gathered the courage to slowly approach the bottle, unscrew its cap, and squeeze the contents directly into his mouth.
Dinner, however, proved to be pure chaos. Gone was the watery pesto; gone was the pizza greasier than Ron Jeremy covered in Astroglide. For one night only, Covel was going to veer from its usual Mediterranean fare and opt instead for French cuisine. There was coq au vin, pot-au-feu, and ratatouille. The table of condiments held instead a pyramid of breadsticks as well as various butters, jams, jellies, and cheeses. Accordion music was being piped through the speakers, but it could not be heard over the guttural shrieks that filled the air as soon as diners realized that all they had known and loved was gone.
Carla Abruzzo, a third year, keeled over and had to be revived with a defibrillator.
“It’s just pure shock, you know? My GPA is in the shitter, my love life is a mess, and I have to take out extra loans this quarter. Covel is—was—my rock. It was the only source of stability I had. And now they’ve gone and ruined it.”
Covel is currently shut down for maintenance. Custodial staff is still scrubbing dried roux from hard-to-each corners. The torn down salad bar alone is estimated to cost $70,000 in damages, which will incur a $5,000 hike in tuition for the next academic year.