Cruise Industry To Meet Puerto Rican Need For Food, Water, Shuffleboard On Lido Deck



WASHINGTON — After Royal Caribbean’s successful evacuation of hundreds of Puerto Ricans from their native island, the cruise industry released a comprehensive plan to provide for the US territory in ways that the government cannot, and will not.

“Two words,” said Sean, current director of cruise activities and former model at the Gap: “icebreakers. Things will probably be a bit awkward between the Puerto Rican nationals cast aside by the US government and the obviously their well-fed rescuers, but who doesn’t love a fun little game of two truths and a lie?! God, I love giving back!”

Chef James, the beloved culinary genius behind the cruise’s daily meals, shared a similar enthusiasm for his new undertaking. “I thought I’d ease the transition between the meager FEMA meals and my famous, exquisite three-course dinners by making a meal that bridges the gap between both. That’s why I’m serving everyone one ladle-full of Vienna sausage and skittle stew, with their choice of Nutri-Grain Bar for dessert!”

Susan, the cruise director, seemed a bit underwhelmed by the whole experience. “I just want everyone to have a good time. Is everyone having a good time? I said, Is everyone having a good time? I usually get a much better reaction,” she sighed. “I even paused for dramatic effect this time. I don’t know what’s wrong. Do they not like Mai-Tais? (Gasp) They probably don’t like Mai-Tais. God, Susan, read the crowd!”


Illustrated by Colin Tandy + Cornelius Robbins

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