Are you a down-to-earth, constitutional, Christian (specifically Protestant), morally pure conservative male who happens to also be an uncle? Are you dreading this upcoming Thanksgiving when your liberal-zombie nephews and nieces will be returning from UC Berkeley to terrorize you with their mindless, snowflake education? Then you’ve come to the right place.
My name is Earl Howard and I’m here to help. I’ve been a Republican since I was 4-years-old and an uncle since I was 36, so I’m naturally well-versed in these familial matters. Let’s make sure you are prepared with the armor of honest, conservative knowledge this Thanksgiving.
First off, stay up-to-date on the most recent and relevant news, constantly refreshing Breitbart and Fox News on your Dell computer. Normally I stick to Breitbart, but a little diversity in regards to your news sources is beneficial when leading up to this tense holiday, which is a holiday by the way! If your liberal niece Sophia begs to differ, shut that worthless crap down right away! Christopher Columbus is a hero and a true American if you ask me.
Once the spoiled millennials step through your newly furnished front door, bring up the emails right away. Don’t even wait for the meal; establish yourself on the attack before they can utter any of their liberal nonsense. That’s how you start with off an early lead. But unlike Hilary, you’re not gonna blow this sucker.
During dinner make sure your hunting rifle is on full display, perhaps exalted on the wall behind you, or even in your own lap. Maybe polish it throughout the feast, shoot it a couple times at the ceiling, I don’t know. Basically, shove your God-given second amendment rights down their Tumblr-loving throats. Between massive bites of moist mashed potatoes and gravy, explain to them how nonsensical the idea of gun control is. How are you supposed to defend yourself against the psycho terrorists with guns if you don’t have one? There isn’t any evidence that gun control works in the first place, so I wouldn’t expect any rebuttals from the elitist college students.
It’s been a wonderful year full of wins and zero losses for us Republicans, so make sure to rub the dem’s defeats in their stupid, sensitive faces. Definitely bring up how the disgusting liberal icons, Weinstein, Louis C.K., and Jeremy Piven, have molested multiple women. If dumb democrat Dylan counters by bringing up Roy Moore, simply respond with “innocent until proven guilty.” That’ll piss em’ off.
Following a couple swigs of your wife’s fantastic apple cider, continue with the onslaught of insults. Rub in the fact that notorious liberal Colin Kaepernick lost his job due to his blatant, vicious attack on the military. Then add salt to your niblings’ wounds, praising Trump for saving Big Baller Brand from the vicious grasps of the Chinese communists, even though he certainly did not have to!
By this time you will have defeated all the loser liberals at the table, proving to be the smartest family member there. Dylan and Sophia will be wallowing in their sorrows and food comas, claiming your superior political expertise has oppressed their wimpy, wittle souls. However, nothing is wrong with a victory lap. Graciously get up from your fake wooden table with a dignified grin on your face, excusing yourself for the little boys room, just to return with a surprising second turkey you stealthily hid in the garage refrigerator.
Everyone (besides the Berkeley Bears) will erupt in joy, since people love turkey and never prefer ham instead. As unmitigated praise is lofted your way, slyly slip in that you figured you’d be able to afford the extra bird this year due to the incoming tax cuts that wonderful Paul Ryan will be granting all of America. Normally the snowflakes would respond with a smart-ass remark about these tax cuts having nothing to do with you since you’re only the Senior Manager at Best Buy, but by this point defeat will have demolished their fragile spirits. They won’t say a word.