DeVos to Turn UCLA into Small Thai Place

UCLA Pad ThatWESTWOOD – Many of our readers have been asking, “What does Betsy DeVos’s confirmation as Education Secretary mean for me specifically?” This morning DeVos made a statement that answered those questions. She stated that she plans to turn the University of California, Los Angeles campus into a small Thai Restaurant.

When questioned about why she was planning to make such a drastic change to the school, DeVos replied “I like Thai Food”. When asked if students would be able to continue taking classes she replied “Nope. But they can order a fun Tom Yum soup!”.

Students’ protests were met by shrugs from DeVos. When asked what UCLA students were supposed to do after their school stopped existing, DeVos suggested that they “just go to USC because it’s close”. One student at the press conference mentioned the huge difference in price between the two schools. DeVos did not seem to be familiar with the concept of currency.

DeVos has proposed a voucher system for K-12 education, allowing parents to choose which private school to apply their voucher towards. One concerned student at the press conference asked if DeVos would consider a similar system for former UCLA students. DeVos replied “Nope. But they can get a voucher for a free Thai Iced Tea. How do they make them in such fun colors? They’re so good!”. The student then pointed out that Thai Iced Teas contain orange food dye. DeVos did not seem to be familiar with the concept of orange.

It is recommended that UCLA students enjoy their last lectures, discussion, and strolls around campus before everything is demolished. A question of whether or not former UCLA students would be able to apply for jobs at the new Thai restaurant was raised. DeVos did not seem familiar with the concept of jobs, applying, or students.

 

Art by Colin Tandy

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