Washington, DC — President Donald Trump recently tweeted that he would be awarding the “Most Dishonest Media Awards,” to media outlets he sees as containing “fake news,” overtly-liberal agendas, or anything that would very-cruelly point out the many flaws on his crispy marshmallow husk. Well, the Daily Ruin was front and center for the pre-show MDMA red carpet, and we’re here to share some highlights of the attendees!
Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump
The boys were out in style, both sporting three-piece suits: Donald’s was from Sears, and Eric’s was a Cowboy outfit, the adorable little guy. Both could be seen accessorizing with backpacks connected together so that they didn’t run off too far.
The Coop looked on-point as always, his grey Versace suit complimented by the light grain of the wood chair that he was tied to. This look was completed by a loud red sash that really formed Cooper’s upper half, as it was being used to gag him.
Steve Bannon in Disguise
Recently stepped-down from Breitbart News, it was a lovely surprise to see Steve Bannon making an appearance, his wrinkly, stained barn coat going well with the bush that he was hiding in just out of sight. His oversized corduroys had a few mustard stains that really filled out his oatmeal-figure, accented by his own piss, which he had covered himself with to throw off the scent of the Secret Service.
Miss Coulter was adorned in a lovely white-mesh sash with a dynamically-patterned tight silk black dress that seemed to shimmer with every step. It actually looked like it was moving all around her body, and the black seems more of a matte- You know what? Those were spiders. Yeah, she was just covered in spiders and their webs.
After the ceremony, Coulter reportedly wrapped up a caterer in her “gown” and took him into a small hole she’d fashioned under a nearby tree.
A Lost Postmates Guy
Brian from Echo Park was looking fabulous in his blue Mets cap and black polo, highlighting his sheer look of confusion while holding what looked like a bag of Luna Grill. Whether or not Brian is in support of the President’s ceremony, we may never know, but it sure didn’t stop him from coming in style. Who the bag was for should consider themselves lucky, because we were sure kept guessing by Brian’s pockets- was that a wallet bulge, or something sexier? You’ll have to order some fast-casual Mediterranean fusion to find out.