Donald Trump Officially Declares Twitter War

WASHINGTON—In response to months of escalating criticism, President Donald Trump has officially declared Twitter war on 25-year-old Denver resident, Marc Gillis (@ReturnoftheMarc269), becoming the first American president to do so. The declaration was released only minutes after Gillis’ latest tweet admonishing the commander-in-chief: ”Poor Donald’s pitiful healthcare plan looks as dead as ever!! I wonder how this one is gonna be put on Hillary!! #crookeddonald”

In a press conference officially announcing the President’s intentions, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer stated, “Mr. Gillis’ remarks on social media have continually deprecated and disparaged President Trump, his administration and his policies. It is necessary that the United States’ military exercise concerted and decisive force in neutralizing this great threat to our nation.” Gillis has also been preemptively banned from attending any White House press conferences. Questioned about the constitutionality of Trump’s declaration, Spicer stated, “Where in the Constitution does it mention Twitter? We’re definitely in the clear on this.”

Tensions between President Trump and Mr. Gillis, a personal trainer, are far-reaching, with Gillis’ first “twiticisms” of Trump tracing back to March 2013: “I swear, if they give this orange asshole another season of the Celebrity Apprentice I’m going to explode!!!” As President Trump’s popularity rose within the political realm, Gillis’ tweets only grew more critical, with many of his tweets referring to Donald Trump’s “radically populist policy positions” and “tiny ass hands.”

As news of the declaration emerged, Democrats decried Trump’s refusal to seek congressional approval of his declaration. “Seriously, maybe he’ll finally recognize Congress’ existence if we tweet at him,” said Democratic Senator Kamala Harris.

At press time, Gillis tweeted to his band of 47 followers: “More fanatical executive action from Agent Orange? I’ll probably be seeing @realDonaldTrump in the courts real soon! #notmydictator”


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