Washington D.C.— Donald Trump was inaugurated as President of the United States two short weeks ago. Unbeknownst to him and his team, during his swearing in ceremony a group of highly trained individuals went into the office to Trump-proof. Among the new features added was an ejector seat. The ejector seat serves as a way to remove the new, worst president as quickly and as easily as possible. The ejector seat will use a button, much like what most people imagine the nuclear codes use, but don’t worry unlike bombs, Trump won’t have access to this.
Many people doubt Trump’s ability to serve as president. While he repeatedly reminds folks that he will be “the best president, the only president needed from now on” and that he’s “gonna have the best guys tell him how to make America great again”, there has been heightened suspicion based on his cabinet picks that the ‘great advisors’ he planned to bring in are actually just voices in his head. Or it could just be Steve Bannon whispering in his ear as he rocks him to sleep every night.
Congress will have control over the ejector seat. While technically the majority of Congressmen are Republicans, it is hopefully clear to even the kissiest of Trump’s kiss-ups that there may come a time when something really bad happens and he just needs to be rocketed out of there as quickly as possible. And while the chain of command that will come into power after the president might also need to be ejected, Paul Ryan will surely be eager to help with the transitional period.
The actual catapult mechanism itself will shoot President Trump from the Oval Office to West Virginia, where they will know what to do to take care of him. While many would like to see him catapulted to the motherland (Russia) those who are working on the technology have unfortunately been dedicating their after work hours to legitimate climate and technology research.
Trump, of course, had some opinions about these changes and took the opportunity to redecorate the Oval Office with some of his own personal touches. In addition to the ejector seat, there is a portrait of Ryan Gosling that he is trying to pass off as himself, a remarkable lack of mirrors, and a chastity belt in a glass case with a placard that reads “By executive order we shall hereby let no pussy go un-grabbed”.