FIREY INFERNO, USA — Starting late last night around 11:00 P.M. PST, thousands of reports emerged across the nation that literally everything had suddenly burst into flames. All through the night, trees, buildings, and cars alike have all been officially reported as “totally on fire.” Scientists have been working to determine what is causing the nation’s spontaneous combustion and have yet to reach a definite answer. “We can’t confirm that this epidemic resulted from any recent political happenings,” stated fire dynamics expert Sam Pollock, “but like, that Denny’s is definitely on fire.”
This morning, LAFD took steps to intervene, but have confirmed that, despite their best efforts, this fire will “kind of just keep going on for about 4 years.” While roughly 45-50% Americans have said they are “displeased” with the recent fires, many are slowly acclimating to our new fire world. This morning, millions of Americans drove their fire-cars to their fire-office, and perhaps enjoyed a fire-latte. Fire-tweets have shown Americans slowly finding a new normal.
As this time, we have little else to report other than that everything is, indeed, completely on fire. The 405? Fire. That bench you like to sit on at the park? Scorching. Your roommate? Complete inferno. Hopefully this article can be read through the flames enveloping your computer screen. For now, fire up some legalized weed and wait to see what will happen next.