LOS ANGELES– A recent study from the UCLA Geffen School of Medicine indicates that in light of the current United States political climate, right now is a better time than ever for Americans to take up smoking again.
We reached out to UCLA for a statement: “Due to recent political events and presidents of 2017, you might as well buy a pack of Marlboro’s. After months of analysis, we can no longer tell you that not smoking is medically worth it,” stated chief researcher, Bill Goldberg
“I’ll tell you what, my lungs ain’t a concern nowadays after those scientists said I could smoke again. It don’t matter when I could see a mighty flash in the distance any day now,” said Echo Park local, Dolores Barton, carrying a freshly-bought carton of Newports. “I quit smoking so I could be around to see cool stuff like people on Mars and cold-microwaves, but now we will probably all perish from some terrifying outcome of the current world events.”
“The Geffen School of Medicine is aware of the prior research of the health detriments of smoking cigarettes, as well as the manipulation from the tobacco industry,” continued Goldberg, “but honestly, if you started now, it most-likely won’t be the thing that does you in. That’ll probably be being trampled in an angry crowd, shrapnel poisoning, maybe a building blowing up, things like that” stated the researcher as he flicked open his zippo and lit a Yellow American Spirit, shrugging defeatedly.
Smoking is no longer listed as harmful to your health on the Geffen School of Medicine’s website, along with other revised commodities such as boba pearls, unprotected sex, and tours of sites that housed former nuclear catastrophes.