Expired Elevator Permits Raise Concern Of Supernatural Threat

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If you experience bleeding carpets, cacophonous whispers, or dismemberment while in a UCLA elevator, please remain calm, and try to come to terms with your imminent demise.

LOS ANGELES—A recent article revealing that UCLA elevator permits have largely expired is renewing discussion over the ominous screeches, shaking, and organ music frequently experienced within these elevators.

A UCLA Housing representative speaking on conditions of anonymity assured the Daily Ruin that expired permits have nothing to do with the safety of the elevators, but also urged people to take the stairs as often as possible.

“It’s the supernatural world that you have to watch out for,” said the representative, “not the permits.”

Katie Green, a third-year art history student, said that she is scared of the elevators, but the eerie noises haven’t stopped her from using them.

“I guess I’m kind of like those characters in horror films because they ignore all these warning signs, but—well, actually, it’s exactly like that,” said Green, laughing nervously.

Bert Kingsley, a legal expert from UCLA’s Housing Department, said that as long as the elevators are scheduled to be inspected eventually, continuing to operate them is perfectly legal.

“Are they legal? Yes. Are they lethal? Who knows,” Kingsley said.

For Jason Dinapoli, a second-year economics student, using the elevators reminds him of how his Italian ancestors lived for hundreds of years at the foot of Mount Vesuvius.

“Like living near a deadly volcano, you can’t take life for granted when you use these elevators,” Dinapoli said, adding that he truly appreciates even the smallest, most mundane parts of his life now.

“In its own haunting way, even the organ music is beautiful,” he said. ♦

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