WESTWOOD — A recent investigation has uncovered that local eatery, Fat Sal’s, doesn’t actually exist. Sources have informed Daily Ruin that Fat Sal’s is not a real restaurant, but rather a mutual drunken hallucination shared by the entire UCLA community.
Late last week, a group of sober students, unhinged by Trump’s cabinet appointments, decided to stop by Fat Sal’s.
“We were trying to drown our feelings in melted cheese,” commented one of the students, Margaret Spreger. “There had never been a reason to eat an entire order of onion rings and three fried eggs on bread sober before,” Spreger explained. Reportedly, this was the first time a group of students had to ever tried to go to Fat Sal’s sober.
When the students reached the empty lot next to Tommy Taco, they were surprised to discover from un-inebriated Tommy patrons that there has always just been an empty lot next to Tommy Taco.
Evidence shows that, every Thursday night for the last several years, drunk college students have been chewing on gravel in a parking lot littered with broken glass. One sober bystander remembered, “Students would sometimes talk about how good the sandwiches they were eating were. I figured kids will be kids.”
Doctors revealed that students’ reported “Freshman 15” is actually caused by this gravel intake, not 3,000-calorie sandwiches . “Gravel really stays in your stomach,” GI specialist, Dr. Kerklin noted.
The UCLA psychology department is not sure when this elaborate group hallucination began. They have suggested that at some point in 2009 a drunk frat boy leaned over to his drunk friend and said, “Do you wanna go to that place with the crazy sandwiches.” Speculation indicates his friends were too drunk to realize that they never actually went to a crazy sandwich place but rather, chewed on gravel. They recommended the nonexistent sandwich place to their friends and an urban legend was born.
The food industry was shocked to hear about the group hallucination at UCLA. One LA restaurant owner commented “Of course there isn’t a food stand that serves cheesesteak, chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks, bacon, fried eggs and french fries all on one sandwich. That would just be irresponsible.”