NEW YORK, NY — Keith Peters, a soft-spoken finance intern at Goldman Sachs, was elated by his promotion to being the recipient of abusive banter from higher-ups. “I’m doing advanced coursework in business-economics with a minor in maintaining a servile attitude. It’s really such a joy to see all my hard-earned knowledge paying off,” said Peters beneath a pained grin.
“This guy, Keith, he’s got a lot of promise,” said CEO, Ryan Barry. “Every day, I see him going the extra mile for clients, putting in much more than his fair share of time and effort, and really taking the company’s interests to heart. Not to mention, he’s really good at looking the other way when I bring prostitutes back to the office.That’s why, of course, I cut him down at every opportunity I get. Meanwhile, I take the other interns out to the strip club during their lunch hour. It’s called character building.”
Peters cites these company values as the most attractive feature of his job. “It really is the atmosphere that makes my job so worthwhile. There are few things more motivating than getting to the office at 5am, brewing some coffee with your hot tears, and looking forward to a twenty-hour workday of being relentlessly shat on. I just know this is the reason grandpappy Peters moved his family out here on his private jet, the Mayflower.”
“This whole thing has really restored my faith in the American Dream,” he continued. “I mean, who knows? If I work hard enough, in a couple years’ time I could be posted up at the Waldorf cutting lines of cocaine with the company credit card.
When questioned about these allusions to misappropriation of funds, Peters had this to say: “Gotta jet — my boss just got his bonus! He’s taking us skydiving, but… he’s the only one with a parachute.