Nothing could be better than a parents’ weekend at college: rekindling memories of a time of young love, restoring some passion into your parents’ marriage, and watching as your Father tanks the whole thing. While Mom talked to other parents about which attorney has the best record and which real estate agent can get the best price for the house, Dad played the classic mental game. As he walked around nursing his Budweiser, he (not so) secretly looked for someone to parade in front of Mom. Here are the types of girls Dad probably hit on during parents’ weekend to make Mom jealous:
How he found a cheerleader at a tailgate, no one was quite sure of, and honestly no one wanted to know. As Dad recalled his memories from when he was quarterback for his high school in some sad attempt to impress, she looked up what a “Joe Montana” is. Dad probably caught her eyeing his alumni ring and started his whole “this one time I got sooo drunk…” brigade. Unimpressed, the cheerleader slowly inched away, claiming she needed to go find her friends, all of whom were already behind Dad motioning for her to leave. How Mom didn’t notice him talking to her remains a mystery.
The Tour Guide
This girl was everything Mom isn’t: energetic, helpful, and most of all, young. Dad practically lived at football games during his college years and yet he claimed he could not find the bathroom for twenty minutes. Despite telling him four times and giving him a staff-issued map, Dad wouldn’t leave this poor girl alone. The lukewarm beer had made him tipsy at this point, and the awkward jokes and pick-up lines finally got to the tour guide as she motioned for security to come help her. The last thing you heard was the sound of Dad’s sandals smacking the ground as he ran away. At least you convinced him to leave the “UCLA Dad” shirt at home.
Your Best Friend
He claimed that he was just “talking” to her, but you saw him approach with a beer and struggle to fit into the pop-up lawn chair next to her. Your whole body cringed and you may have even shed a painful tear when you overheard Dad say, “Oh, how you’ve grown into such a beautiful woman”. Mom, other parents, and even the frat stars stared as he attempted to put a nonchalant arm around her, but the gaping mouths and audible groans made him quickly retreat. At this point, Mom was beginning to regret ever having her over for dinner.
The Divorced Mom
You’ve heard the problematic phrase time and time again: “Women are like wine, they get better with age”. You prayed to God he didn’t say that to Shannon, newly single and visiting her son in Sproul, as he approached her with his fourth Pabst Blue Ribbon in hand. Thankfully, he was rejected immediately with a “Go away Harold”, and he walked away- seemingly defeated. But knowing Dad, there’s always next year!
Mom, on the other hand, never known to be one to wait, could be seen leading Josh Anderson’s Dad into a port-o-potty.
Here’s to next year’s Parents’ Weekend!
Written by Eli Aminpour
Illustrated by Cornelius Robbins